


we're back (and we'll get through this together)

by kaivynx



Category: One Piece
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Asexual Monkey D. Luffy, Caring Roronoa Zoro, Dark, Different Devil Fruit Monkey D. Luffy, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Summaries, Jaded Luffy, Luffy just wanted to enjoy time with his brothers again, Mental Health Issues, Mild Language, Monkey D. Luffy Loves His Friends, Out of Character, Protective Roronoa Zoro, Self-Indulgent, Slave Monkey D. Luffy, Some Fluff, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, Time Travel, as in they'll change a few things, but - Freeform, cause Ace, my poor boy, now he has to wait even longer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:06:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21687292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaivynx/pseuds/kaivynx
Summary: Luffy awakens in a body that used to be his. He feels trapped and confined and wrong because this a child’s body, chest unmarred, barren of dried blood from a fight that definitely occurred before Luffy fell into a deep sleep. But he can’t have regressed in age and time. It’s impossible.Luffy gives into curiosity. He opens his eyes to lush, thick foliage, the calls of animals ringing pleasantly, like home, and Luffy knows where he is. The scent remains just the same, the air feels the same when he moves. The trees surrounding, the screeches of predators, the canopy resting above… It’s Dawn Island, it’s home. And despite his initial disbelief, Luffy has to admit that no illusion could possibly capture his home so vividly, so realistically.(Or, Luffy and the Straw Hats have returned to the past. A few things are different, but Luffy will figure them out along the way.)
Relationships: Monkey D. Luffy & Mugiwara Kaizoku | Strawhat Pirates, Monkey D. Luffy & Portgas D. Ace & Sabo, Monkey D. Luffy & Roronoa Zoro
Comments: 49
Kudos: 410





	1. Return: Libertas

Luffy awakens in a body that  _ was  _ his. He feels trapped and confined and  _ wrong  _ because this a child’s body, chest unmarred, barren of dried blood from a fight that definitely occurred before Luffy fell into a deep sleep.  _ Am I dead?  _ The thought is justified, for only the afterlife could present such a trick. He can’t have regressed in age and time. It’s impossible.

Luffy gives into curiosity. He opens his eyes to lush, thick foliage, the calls of animals ringing pleasantly, like  _ home,  _ and Luffy knows where he is. The scent remains just the same, the air feels the same when he moves. The trees surrounding, the screeches of predators, the canopy resting above… It’s Dawn Island, it’s home. And despite his initial disbelief, Luffy has to admit that no illusion could possibly capture his home so vividly, so realistically.

Memories flash into him like a tsunami, all-encompassing and painful. The Luffy that fought and defeated Kaidou merges with the Luffy of the alternate universe he has somehow travelled to, memories of a time past merging with the current. The wave is sudden, swift, and leaves no room for Luffy to catch his breath, comprehend the events of so many years in a single moment.

_ Shanks is almost too late to pull Luffy from the maw of the Sea King. But he’s faster than last time and there’s no coursing blood, no shock, just Luffy and Shanks floating in the wake of an averted tragedy. The adrenaline seeps away from him all too quickly, and Luffy spills tears, relief flooding him. What could’ve gone wrong, hadn’t, and Shanks and Luffy are both whole, in one piece, safe. _

It’s a small difference between this timeline and his own, but Luffy feels strangely in a trance, and he can’t quite understand the memory he just relived.  _ Shanks didn’t lose his arm. What a weird world I’m in. _

_ And not too soon before that— _ in his mind’s eye _ —he is in Makino’s bar, and Shanks’ crew is celebrating with beer and meat and revelry. Luffy pouts at being ignored, and turns to the open chest at his hands. Dessert, he thinks, quite foolishly. A pear-shaped fruit, formed by jagged ridges of gold and azure. It looks exotic, though the taste is anything but. He shivers all over with lightning. He feels like he can fly… _

Indeed, that yearning to take flight is present in him right now. He can feel the difference in his body, no longer rubber, but not quite solid either. After spending twelve years with a Paramecia fruit, Luffy is empty. Instead, he notices the currents of electricity running along his veins like a river. The urge to fly lingers incessantly in the back of Luffy’s mind, persistent in reminding Luffy of his new state, new body, new fruit, new  _ life. _

_ This is one of the rarest Devil Fruits ever! It’s a hybrid! Mythical Zoan and Logia combined in one fruit! Luffy, why did you eat this? _

The change in fruit is simultaneously unnerving and exciting. This can mean an entirely different path to the one he took before, so many possibilities for greatness, many opportunities to learn, to grow as a person. Luffy mourns at all the lost moves he had invented with the rubber fruit; the loss of his straw hat, too, now that he recognises the empty space on his head. But he is young again, and there are many years to adjust. This is, after all, a new adventure, and to Luffy that’s an absolute win.

“ _ Sabo!!!” _

Luffy jumps to his feet. The urgency and horror of the voice sends Luffy into overdrive, sensing all around him, nigh on panic. He rocks at the shift in balance. Running with shorter legs itches at his mind, weird and out of place.

He knows where— _ when _ —he is. Sabo’s ‘death.’

Ace— _ Ace _ —is on the coast, staring in fright as Sabo’s boat edges its way towards the Tenryubito’s ship, unaware of its impending doom, of what awaits in moments. Cold claws of fear dig into Luffy’s heart. He can see Ace later— _ he’s right there, and it’s been  _ years,  _ and Luffy wants nothing more than to embrace him and never let go _ —and save Sabo now.

Ace jumps at his presence, calling after him desperately when Luffy keeps on running. All regards to how Ace is feeling are thrown out at Sabo’s danger. It doesn’t matter if Ace fears for Luffy too,  _ now is not the time. _

Luffy lets everything go, name following his leap of faith and no return, down, down, still falling, so close to the water—

_ Just like any fruit. Think it will happen and it  _ will…

Luffy gets caught in the wind. His free fall halts. He rises on the air currents, blue wings, almost transparent, outstretched and pounding desperately.

The force of his first push, combined with the kick of his legs like Sanji’s Skywalk, takes him swiftly towards the gargantuan ship. He spins in the air, unable to fly, a chick taking to the skies for the first time. The deck looms ahead, and Luffy can’t snap his wings back in time, can’t halt his plummet to the deck.

He crashes into the Tenryubito, taking down the noble and preventing the weapon being fired.

The air is knocked out of his lungs from the impact, pain flashing in his shoulder. Luffy’s wings dissipate in shock.

Among all of these men… he can’t escape. They crowd him from all sides, and Luffy sees no path to safety; he can’t even sprout his wings again. Too weak, too weak to stand a chance against them. The Tenryubito shouts an order, but Luffy is too disoriented from his flight to hear more than a blur of words, ears pounding from his shock.

A heavy net falls on him. His strength drains immediately and Luffy realises his mistake.  _ Kairouseki… _

The boom of a cannon sends his ears ringing. He can't pinpoint the direction but he's heard the story, knows what happened. _ No… not Sabo.  _ Luffy had crashed here and prevented the first blast, only to fail. He didn’t even think ahead, that the noble would just fire again and be done with it.

Luffy has no fight left in him. Despair bubbles. He failed, he failed, he failed. Useless. Weak.  _ I can’t protect my brothers. _

Luffy feels for his Haki but it’s locked because his resolve is weak; and where had it gone, when Luffy was once known for is unbreakable will? He is at their mercy.

_ No, it’s fine. I deserve it anyways. _

There are men hunching over him, five at least, and nothing in their expressions seem safe; brows are crossed in disgust, their eyes are mean, muscles tense in the high of battle. Through the net, Luffy sees every emotion written on their faces. He wishes he couldn’t.

_ Shut up, Luffy. Stand up and fight. You always win. _

_ I don’t.  _ Luffy shakes. He’s lost plenty of battles before; but always won the next…

“Your name, peasant.” His back is dug into by the steel toe of a shoe.  _ Tell them, they’ll fear you… they’ll fear the Fifth Emperor, his billion beri bounty… _

“Monkey… Monkey D. Luffy.”

But they don’t reel back, terrified out of their wits, and Luffy remembers he's in the past. Instead, the Tenryubito drawls, says something about a dragon, and Luffy is struck in the head.

_ They don’t fear me anymore… I’m weak again… _

* * *

Everyday he fought. They threw anything at him, ordered him to defeat— _ kill, destroy, shred _ —it, or face agony. But they were children. He couldn’t raise his hand against them. His mercy won out, though. Whatever fate they faced should they live was far worse than death, and Luffy would do anything to ensure they passed swiftly, peacefully. He told himself it was the right thing to do, that those he killed understood his twisted sense of mercy, that he could not both free them from their chains and keep them alive, that giving them a painless death was  _ right _ —and it was,  _ it was _ —but every kill wore at his heart.

Their deaths were too abrupt. He didn’t provide anyone the entertainment they paid good money to see. And so he suffered blow after blow of punishment and pain. He deserved it for killing them. There was no doubt in his mind that he deserved it, and he took every lash in submission, in acceptance.

Luffy’s owner gave up on him, like many others previous. His subservience was impossible to gain.

He groans as the shackles tug on his dislocated shoulders, legs useless and limp above the ground. He wants nothing more than to pass into nothing, die before he can be sold to another noble, put through more pain. He doesn’t want to be passed over to another slave owner. Death is much preferred.

Luffy has no will left. The old Luffy, the unbreakable one, would have been jarred by such a thought. How could Luffy have given up? That was impossible. But he sees the truth for what it is, and his willingness to suffer under the nobles speaks loudly.

_ Zoro…  _ Luffy scrunches his face, letting tears drop for the first time in  _ years.  _ Memories pass in front of him, a calm reprieve from his pained, ragged state. Zoro is napping on the Thousand Sunny. He is laughing with Luffy. He is rejoicing from another victory. He is speaking  _ to Luffy,  _ saying his dream out loud for everyone to hear, foot atop a barrel, determined, unwavering. Luffy sobs.

_ Nami…  _ He listens to her insult the ways of pirates. The straw hat is placed firmly upon her head. Luffy shouts for her. They fight over their next course. As expected, Luffy orders Nami to lead them on the route of the wiggling compass, and Nami throttles his neck in response.

_ Usopp…  _ He’s there too, going along with Nami and frightened for what’s to come next because their idiot captain is leading them to the most dangerous island out of the options. He is lying about something or another again, and Luffy listens aptly at his new, totally true adventure.

_ Sanji…  _ Well, Sanji is fighting Luffy, but Luffy can see his cook’s inner turmoil, the conflict of what to do, the hopelessness. Luffy aches for Sanji to return to him, to the crew, so he makes a promise to stay, and to wait for as long as it takes. He won’t leave without Sanji,  _ he won’t. _

_ Chopper…  _ Luffy holds onto that flag, stands tall because  _ this  _ is what a pirate is, what a pirate stands for, and Chopper is so moved by such a simple yet symbolic action. Chopper is worrying over his wounds, patching him up. He is drinking milk and napping with Zoro.

_ Robin…  _ she and Chopper are close, Luffy could almost call her a mother or older sister… definitely a sister. She is so smart, a wonderful role model. Luffy laughs uncontrollably as she tickles him with her fruit’s extra hands. She helps him imitate Chopper. And later, he shouts for her, declares war for her. And the entire crew is with him, by his side.

_ Franky…  _ Luffy takes his speedos, bribes him into joining the Straw Hat Pirates. The Thousand Sunny is grand, homely, and Franky made that possible. When they reunite, Franky is more super, if Luffy thought that could even happen, and he and Chopper ogle their shipwright’s new inventions.

_ Brook…  _ Luffy listens to his rendition of Bink’s Sake, singing along, so many around him enjoying it too. He leans back on the piano and looks at Brook. Brook joins their crew, and Luffy feels so excited because  _ holy crap he’s got a skeleton musician on his crew. _

Luffy can’t go on, can’t keep thinking of them. His crew, wherever they may be right now… He misses them. He can’t bear this separation. The loneliness drains his resolve further. He cries more and more, until he falls asleep, still hanging from the ceiling, enshrouded in darkness.

Luffy wishes he was outside, on the ocean, family by his side.

* * *

Luffy is on his feet before the crowd, lined up beside many others, hands shackled. They burn his body with gazes of amusement, unbothered by his pain, clearly unmasked.

Luffy is human— _ human,  _ he tells himself at every passing minute—yet all they see is a toy, a thing, property.

Rayleigh is beside him.  _ Rayleigh,  _ he can almost taste the salt of tears. He sees his mentor, and aches from holding back. But Rayleigh… Rayleigh sees only a stranger, Luffy thinks. And it’s true, of course, but Luffy can’t prevent the wish he breathes out to no one, the wish that he wasn't alone.

_ I’m here, Rayleigh. Right here. Please see me. _

Luffy had all but given up hope of escape. His resolve is shattered, in pieces. Rayleigh can fix that. He can be saved, though he should have saved himself long ago.

The auctioneer pokes him with a stick. Luffy winces at the pain that runs up his back in reply, whip marks pulling and stretching. The raw burn of his brand—re-done the previous night as he hung for hours in that dungeon, that  _ cage _ —screams at him when he stiffens, when he relaxes. Whatever Luffy does, the presence of the brand always tugs at his mind, presses down on his brutalised resolve before it can gather its feet.  _ Nothing but a slave, you can never be free. _

“Demon Fist! Undefeated in the rings of death matches for over a thousand fights! Bidding from ten million beris!”

Luffy tries to look as unpleasant as possible, make the bidders doubt his worth.  _ Stall for Rayleigh.  _ He stares down at bare, shackled feet. Hundreds of eyes continue to bore into him.  _ Stop looking at me,  _ he begs in silence.

His ploy fails in the wake of the bids rising higher and higher; his looks fool no one, for don’t all slaves look like the walking dead? One-hundred million passes. The latest call appears from the far right. Luffy shudders in fear. Is Rayleigh going to do something? Why hasn’t he done anything? Luffy’s fate is approaching, nearer, nearer, nearer. His strings are going to be controlled by a new puppeteer. Hadn’t he said, the previous night, that he never wanted to belong to another noble again?  _ Rayleigh…  _ The man stands unmoving on his left. He chokes on his misery, hope of Rayleigh moving fading fast.

The silence from the stands becomes apparent. His heart is beating too loudly, resonating in his ears. Rayleigh isn’t acting.  _ Come on, Rayleigh, come on. Please, don’t let them take me… _

The crowd hisses and mutters as a woman exclaims her victory, clamour rising and halting the auctioneer’s next address.

Luffy is almost shaking his head. Agony flashes in his limbs. His stomach is queasy. The pains refuse to disperse. It strikes here and there, a full panic caving in on him like lightning; the same lightning locked away by shackles caging freedom and a seastone collar around his neck.

Luffy stays still, the fractions of his resolve ebbing away into an inescapable abyss. He wishes more than anything that he can pass over into the next world. Hell would be preferable to the leash of another noble.

The slimy hand outstretched towards him erupts a shock wave of emotions. His enslavement pulses through like a racing heart, screaming of every wound, of every life taken.

He had been so  _ defeated _ . His crew would be disappointed in his weakness.  _ Luffy had given up. _

For his crew, for his crew and all the friends he made, whether they remember him or not… 

“GO AWAY!!!!!” Luffy screams with the full force of Conqueror’s Haki, exacerbated by his traumas, his fears. Luffy will do anything,  _ anything,  _ to see his friends once more, see their smiles, their happiness. It’s all he asks.  _ That  _ is the one thing better than the finality of death.

His tormentor falls away. The auction hall collapses into a different silence. The nobles and spectators lay unconscious, and he and Rayleigh are the only ones left untouched by the weight of his Haki.

Luffy’s knees give way and he drops to the ground. Rayleigh crouches to his level and meets his eyes, black to azure and gold. His seastone collar explodes metres away. Luffy fights to stay awake and stares into warm eyes, seeing pride and wonder and awe.  _ I did it, everyone. _

He doesn’t notice Rayleigh removing his shackles until the weight around his limbs disappear. He sighs in relief and closes his eyes.

Guilt and shame flood the relief away. Luffy had let those nobles beat him down. He hadn’t fought back against his mistreatment. He had taken every punishment and command like a circus animal with no free will, like he had grown up never knowing what liberty was, which he  _ had  _ but had forgotten all too easily. There is no one to blame for that expect himself. Tears fall in cascades. His entire body aches. He wants to sleep for weeks; and not  _ forever,  _ because his crew would never forgive Luffy for continuing to think in that manner.

Rayleigh helps Luffy up, careful of his mangled back.

Time passes quickly between his drops in and out of consciousness. He stays awake at the last leg of their journey to Shakky’s Rip-off Bar.

Rayleigh’s side is warm and comforting. Luffy sinks further into the safety of his mentor’s arms, internally begging for more.

“Are you here with me?” Luffy tears up at the voice. He manages to nod.

“What’s your name, kid?” Rayleigh asks.

Luffy hesitates. He fears rejection, being a burden. He fears the lack of recognition he knows Rayleigh will express.

“Monkey D. Luffy,” he answers, volume hoarse and broken. Rayleigh hums but says no more.

They escape the darkness outside into the warm shack. Luffy is ready to collapse.

A woman calls him out of his sleepy reverie. He is taken out of Rayleigh’s arms and placed on his stomach atop a mattress. The texture is ethereal to his aching muscles. 

“I’m going to clean your back, keep still,” Shakky—he realises groggily—says distantly.

His back involuntarily tenses at the cool, damp cloth. Luffy whimpers at the stings blooming from his gashes, pain acute and mind spinning from the memories. The cloth trails over raised scars, open wounds. He can’t fall asleep with the ache, but it’s a sign that he’s  _ alive  _ and he  _ escaped  _ and he is  _ free  _ again.

A hand runs through his dirty mop of hair, stroking his scalp. He relaxes at the touch, strains for more because this is what he  _ needs  _ after years of hell.

Heat and comfort envelopes him in the form of a blanket. The hand stays in his hair and Luffy feels like a kid again, Makino taking care of him as if he were her own son.

His mind is thinking rationally. He reminisces of his broken soul, the way he gave up at the first sign—the  _ very first sign _ —of trouble in this universe. Luffy can never,  _ never  _ give up again. He swears it, an unbreakable oath that can only be snapped with his inevitable end.

This pleasant safety and warmth he feels right now… Luffy can never let go of it.  _ That  _ is his goal. To  _ finally  _ become Pirate King with his nakama by his side, an unbeaten family tied together by their hardships, the strongest bond in all the seas.

He focuses on the hand, passing over his hair over and over again, and exhaustion is rising over him like a second blanket.

Rayleigh and Shakky stay with Luffy long after he drifts into sleep.

* * *

Two years on—fifteen years old, going by the date Rayleigh told him—and Luffy is returning to Dawn Island.

He is greeted at the docks by no one, for they thought him dead and had not expected him. Dusk has passed into night. Luffy admires the stars and the cool rush of joy that flows through him at his return, bursting at the seams. He needs to see Makino.

Luffy runs into town. The bar remains the same as it has always been, standing old and cosy, Luffy’s first home and a place of better memories than the past seven years.

He pops open the gate and enters, squinting in the dim light. Makino sits at the bar, wiping glasses down and setting them aside on the racks.

Luffy tries to call a greeting but his voice has disappeared in the face of the heartbreaking delight radiating in his chest. He feels he could die, and die happy, just with the expression Makino has when she finally turns to face him.

Luffy’s breath catches on a sob, and he launches towards Makino, gripping her with enough strength to hurt. Makino returns the embrace without hesitation, hands rubbing over his back in desperation. Her cries mingle with his and stab into his heart and he now knows just how much his absence hurt her. She must have thought him  _ dead. _

“You’re alive, you’re  _ alive, oh my god, Luffy!”  _ Makino whispers. His tears soak into her shirt. Makino presses her face into his hair.

“I’m here, Makino, I’m  _ here _ ,” Luffy cries. He nuzzles her chest and breathes in deeply.

They kneel together on the floorboards of the bar, calming their cries, tears refusing to drying.

Makino asks, “where… where have you  _ been _ ?”

Luffy shakes his head furiously, sobs starting anew. He can’t say it, he can’t hurt Makino like that. She is already hurting enough. If Makino knew the hell he’d been living in for years, she would  _ break.  _ More than anything, Luffy can’t bring up the past because of  _ himself _ , scared of the thoughts it will bring, the fears that stop him from taking care of himself, that push him on the edge of  _ giving up. _

“ _ Luffy? _ We thought you were dead,” Makino persists, making Luffy cry harder.

“I know,  _ I know.  _ But I… I  _ can’t  _ say it. Please, Makino.  _ Please  _ understand.  _ Please drop it,”  _ he pleads, voice raw. He doesn’t hide the pain, not because he needs to get the message across but because he  _ can’t hide it.  _ Makino draws him closer, whispering sweet nothings into his ear, apologising in that gentle voice of hers. She mightn’t understand completely; after all, Dawn Island is hidden from most of the world’s terrors.

Luffy squeezes his eyes shut, wary of the memories sprouting before him like splatters of blood, dripping and dripping and not slowing down, relentless and cruel and leaving him no mercy. What would Makino think, if she knew of the lives he had  _ taken _ ? Would she fear him? Say it’s okay? Send him away? Luffy doesn’t want to find out. Their bond  _ right now _ is what matters to him, and he needs it to stay strong if he’s to survive the next two years on Dawn Island. He doesn’t think he’ll survive knowing his mother-figure hates him. That would be too much to bear.

“I know you probably… want to catch up, but I should go. To the mountain,” Luffy hesitates, and the voice he speaks with is broken. He escapes Makino’s arms and rises to his feet. The separation is terrifying, and he wants to jump straight into Makino’s hold again, cherish the warmth and stay here forever, damn the mountain. Makino follows him, and the fact that she stands a  _ head taller _ than him sends anxiety spiking. Has he not grown much? Had his time in slavery stunted him that much  _ physically? _

“Ace has already left. Sabo is…”

He knows that. Ace would have set sail a year ago already. Everyone believes Sabo to be dead, and him too. Ace… Ace must have lived with the belief that  _ both  _ of his brothers were dead. Luffy nods to Makino and leaves the bar, and turning back seems so unbearable he closes his eyes, letting out silent tears for his brother, and lets Haki lead the way.

The forest is raucous. Fresh, mountainous air flushes out his worries and clears his mind.

Luffy travels along the grown-over path, memory taking him to the secret base the three of them made. He lays a hand on the tree reverently, glancing up at the wooden structure covered in vines and weeds.

He climbs inside with ease, staring around at the sparse belongings left behind.

Luffy continues up in silence, peering through the top of the tree at the open skies and sea.

He’s so emotionally drained, almost as much as the day he escaped his hellish confines. Luffy decides he’ll stay in the forest until he’s seventeen. It’s a difficult decision, but one he knows he has to make. Luffy  _ can’t  _ handle seeing Makino again, or the bandits. And he  _ knows  _ it’ll be harder in the future, he  _ knows  _ that things become easier the more you do them… but he’s not ready for this, it’s too large a step, it’s too soon, and he’s  _ terrified  _ of facing them, facing the people who had raised him, the people who still thought him dead and the people he has not seen in  _ years. _

What he fears most now is seeing  _ anyone,  _ any living, humanoid being. Luffy wants peace, he wants silence, and he wants to never emerge again, no matter how impossible that desire is. And when he sets sail again… Luffy will  _ have  _ to see his nakama, and he won’t be able to handle seeing them. He  _ won’t  _ be able to face them. But that’s fine, they’ll understand, more so than the people of Dawn Island because his nakama are his closest family and they  _ always  _ understand. He won’t let them learn of his experience in hell, but the emotional torment is something he’ll never be able to hide.

For now, Luffy will train and gather his wits. More importantly, he’ll need to pass as cheerful as his friends expect him to be. Luffy needs to be strong for them, even if he is broken underneath, even if they can  _ see that _ . He needs to be unwavering.


	2. Beginning: Somnum Exterreri

The Thunderbird emerges and takes over his human form. Two glorious blue wings pull back. Luffy sails into the air with more ease than he had a decade ago, taking flight for the first time in a fruitless attempt to save his brother.  _ Maybe I should have let the event play out the same way? _

He departs from Dawn Island without a word to its inhabitants, ever the recluse he had become over the two years he’d been back. They have not seen him since he was maybe seven, and unless Makino had gone around spreading word of his return, he doubts they knew he had been here at all. Though Luffy is perfectly fine retaining his decision of avoiding the village completely, it’s Makino that makes him hesitate, tugs at his heart.  _ It’s for the best,  _ Luffy tells himself.

To go now and see her will undo him. It will undo Makino, too. The meeting would feel different with his crew—despite his initial fears upon his return to Dawn Island—for they will perhaps feel the same overwhelming joy at reuniting as Luffy. Makino will be hurt that Luffy only now chooses to visit, right as he disappears for possibly the rest of his life. She will be heartbroken that Luffy hadn’t seen her a second time since his return. And though Makino is most likely already feeling this way, Luffy doesn’t wish to see that for himself.

Luffy observes the auras fluctuating and migrating around the cruise ship, mere spectres of light far off in the distance. He traces the bright path of Koby, separated from the rest and residing in the stowage, no doubt searching for things to steal for Alvida. Nami is nearby, her aura climbing high over the others, a beacon amidst many.

Her aura moves with purpose, weaving between others. Luffy smiles, as her aura fluctuates smugly. Nami escapes the ballroom and moves below deck, fast approaching Koby.

The ship comes into view, and Luffy relaxes his Haki. He distinguishes Alvida and her crew crowding the main deck beside the mast, anticipating Koby’s return. Nami and Koby remain out of sight. Luffy circles like a vulture, eyeing his prey and then plummeting in a deadly dive. The pirates stare up at the sound of the crackling emitted from his folded wings. Luffy twists his body upright, talons stretching towards them. He takes down three with a sickening thud, form evaporating as he lands. He rises from his crouch, brushing off his coat and straightening it out.

“Who are you?” Alvida shouts. Luffy tilts his head at her, predator scrutinising prey. Weapons hesitate and drop at the unrestrained ice, the indifference. Luffy is unafraid of Alvida, he’s confident, and the pirates are right to fear him. He glances out the corner of his eye as Koby and Nami emerge, trapdoor slamming behind them.

Nami— _ dear Nami _ —leaps into action upon catching sight of Alvida. She looks almost the same as Luffy last saw her, albeit younger; long hair, proud frame, bright, deceiving eyes. Nami’s old bo staff swings out and catches Alvida in the stomach, leaving no room to retaliate… or even realise what’s happening. The whale flies off her feet and overboard. The remaining pirates disperse in panic, abandoning their plan and their captain. Koby stands frozen in shock.

Luffy… Luffy can’t bring himself to move, to speak. His heart patters a dangerous beat. Fear rages a flood through his blood. Joy shines a sun in his stomach. Luffy can’t focus on any single emotion; he’s bombarded by more than he can identify, and it’s all because of Nami. Nami, who he hasn’t seen in a decade. His dear nakama.

Before setting off from Dawn Island, he had told himself that reuniting with his nakama will be the best moment of his life, and that he won’t be bound by fear. But he is. Luffy feels jubilation rivalling their reunion on Sabaody after two years of separation and training. He’s still  _ scared. _

_ It’s fine. It’s  _ fine.  _ She can’t see through your cloak. She can’t see your brand.  _ Luffy folds his arms defensively, digging his fingers into fabric.  _ It’s Nami, though,  _ his mind supplies.  _ She’s nakama, she’ll love you no matter what…  _ Luffy can’t decide who to listen to.

“Lu—Luffy…”

Luffy winces, plasters on a wide grin to hide behind, something he’d been practising.  _ I missed you so much… _

Nami takes a step closer, eyes shining with tears. Her face is open and readable, happy tears running down her cheeks.  _ She is  _ glad  _ to see me,  _ Luffy thinks, terrified of the crushing hug he’ll receive, because that’s how their reunions go, that’s how they show each other they  _ care,  _ they  _ love.  _ But Nami will see through his facade with a single touch. She’ll discover his emotional plight, his aversion to her touch, his hesitance, his irrational fear…

Nami throws herself at him, and Luffy has no time to brace himself for the pure force in the embrace. He wraps his arms around Nami, pressing his face into her shoulder. Luffy crumples, tears warming his cheeks and wetting Nami’s shoulder. He whimpers, hands rubbing feebly, making sure Nami is  _ real  _ and not a misguided hallucination. There’s the warmth of a human, the breath of a human being, the weeping of a nakama.

Her hands rub over his back, over the mark. Nami is whispering through her tears, voice shaky and incomprehensible. Luffy moves his head in a silent plea that Nami won’t understand.  _ My back. Stop touching it.  _ He feels the ridges and scars, phantom pains ringing, muscles tensing.  _ Get away.  _ But the thought is contradicted by his want to be  _ close,  _ stay in Nami’s arms. His fear and joy collide, and he doesn’t know whether to break the hug or move closer and never let go.

Luffy hisses internally and steps back, releasing his hold and thanking God that Nami does the same without question. But guilt riddles him. He is  _ supposed  _ to be unconflicted, joyous, unwavering. He’d been dreaming of this moment with nothing but delighted anticipation, no thought to the terror that might arise from the contact, which it  _ had.  _ And here Luffy stands, cowering on the inside, fearing the gentle, loving touch of his nakama,  _ hiding  _ from her! Luffy had never doubted he was selfish, his crew had wasted no time in reminding him every day. But this is of a different kind. This is the selfishness that  _ harms,  _ and Luffy can/t get passed it.  _ Get over it, you fool. Why are you scared? _

Nami is still smiling and rubbing away tears. Luffy is silent, false grin stretching wider, more agonising with every passing second. Standing upright, the height difference is all the more obvious, and this time Nami takes notice. He sees her eyes rove the top of his head, probably taken aback by how she looks  _ down,  _ instead of almost straight ahead like she was used to. But she doesn’t call him out on it, too occupied with her glee to dig deeper.

He pointedly ignores Nami’s concerned intrigue. Koby, in the background, watches unsure. Luffy walks over to the boy, forcing his legs to move steady and balanced,  _ refusing  _ to let them teeter and shake. Koby cringes under Luffy’s gaze.

“Do you want to become a marine, friend?” Luffy asks.

Koby nods hesitantly, “How did you know…”

“The name’s Luffy,” he responds. “I can sense it in you.” Koby gulps, confusion painting his features.  _ Sorry Koby, there’s no need for you to know. Maybe in another world…  _

Luffy turns back to Nami, “Shall we head to Shells Town, Navigator?”

“Right away, Captain,” Nami says. Luffy feels light filter in his heart.

* * *

“Ne, Luffy?” Nami tries. Luffy hums and glances at her. She’s meeting his eyes, and his momentary worry abate.  _ If it was serious she wouldn’t be looking so harmlessly inquisitive. _

“Where’s your hat?”

Luffy’s eyes widen. He lets loose a laugh at his own surprise. Luffy had forgotten about it’s constant presence, having not felt it upon his head since before reverting the timeline. Luffy feels the urge to reach up for it, but stays his arm. It won’t do to be suddenly regretful over its loss. He’s used to it already.

“Didn’t get it. I can’t recall what happened, I came  _ after  _ that time,” Luffy says. Nami nods and turns back to the approaching Shells Town. Luffy senses many questions buzzing in his Navigator’s head, probably joining the ones she conjured on the cruise ship.

He focuses his attention on Shells Town, spreading his Haki over the island like a cloak. Instinctually, he roams towards the yard he originally stumbled on Zoro. Stationary in the centre, presumably tied to a post, is the aura of a young girl— _ Rika, most likely. What is she doing there?  _ And Zoro… well, the most powerful aura on the island could belong to none other than the soon-to-be first mate of Luffy’s crew, and he seems to be making his way to Rika.  _ Ah… _

Luffy surveys Zoro as the swordsman moves in and out of the yard in a blink, taking Rika with him. Nami shifts and Luffy catches her smiling in the direction of Zoro.  _ Haki… Good on you, Nami. _

Their boat rocks into the dock, water spilling inside and giving him a flash of lightheadedness. Luffy shakes out his foot and steps onto the dock with ease. Koby stands unsteadily, rocking with the boat and clearly struggling to gain his footing. Nami reaches out a hand and helps him the rest of the way. Koby mutters a thank you, though Luffy is already strolling into town and he misses the rest of the conversation.

Luffy leads them up the main street, ignoring the tenants of Shells Town as their gazes cut into him. He forces a grin, entering Ririka’s bar. The feast halts and resumes just as quickly. It’s in the middle of a celebration, presumably for Rika’s safe return and Zoro’s ‘heroism’. Zoro himself is seared to the right, legs crossed on the table as he always does, sake in his hand. Luffy’s lips twitch into a half-smile, glad that Zoro hasn’t changed all that much, glad for a sense of familiarity to ground him to this reality. Zoro lacks the scars of his previous life, though the muscle Luffy associates with him has been regained almost in full.

His shoulder is brushed against before he can take a step towards Zoro. He flinches back minutely. The The assailant—Nami, he realises, untensing—is launching herself onto Zoro, squeezing him into a painful embrace, a mirror of the one Luffy himself received. Luffy rubs his side to calm down, shoulder still tingling and on fire from the brief touch. He starts forward, works away the grimace and throws on a grin. Koby has disappeared from behind him, gone to converse with Rika and her mother.

“Luffy!” Zoro cheers, satisfaction curling around him in a friendly bubble, more unlike the Zoro he was used to than anything. Maybe it’s a one time thing, and Zoro is just happy to see them or something. Luffy returns the greeting— _ not forced _ —and struggles to make a split-second decision, akin to his inner-conflict with Nami. Hug Zoro and suffer for it, but prevent any suspicion he would be sure to acquire—as if Zoro doesn’t have his suspicions already—or stay back, and thus gain Zoro’s unwanted attention. He hesitates for too long, and Luffy can find no way to make a move. Zoro’s grin falters, returns in the same moment. Nami also glances at him…  _ concerned. _

_ Don’t worry about me, I’m fine, I’m sorry… _

Luffy tightens his hand, digging nails into the flesh of his side.  _ Wow, you’re horrible at this,  _ he berates himself. He could have lasted at least a  _ little  _ longer before arousing suspicion. But no, he had to fuck it up right away. Luffy grounds himself with the pain from his side as the other two resume their chat. Zoro mentions the marines, and Morgan, giving Luffy an idea made of desperation, revealing an opportunity to get some air and relieve the building stress immediately.

“I’ll go deal with them,” Luffy says, bringing eyes to him. He tenses against the wince that nigh on shows itself. “You guys stay here and eat, I won’t be long,” he suggests, trying to sound sure and confident. Zoro stares into him, and Luffy’s fears alight—as he thought, Zoro is suspicious. He glances away from the steadfast gaze. Zoro gives in and nods at the unspoken request. Luffy wastes no time spinning around and calling Koby to him.

“We’re going to the Marine base to sign you up,” Luffy explains as the pink-haired boy follows him out of the bar.

“Oh, okay. Thank you, Luffy-san,” Koby says, gratitude oozing way too much to be normal. No good, his resolve needs to be hardened up. But Luffy needn’t do that himself. He had Garp for that after all.

Luffy awkwardly laughs, “Don’t mention it.”

* * *

Nami and Zoro have the sense not to ask when he returns to the bar, hair dishevelled and eyes promising murder. Luffy hadn’t wanted to react like he had. But Morgan’s hubris had shone through and acted as a trigger for destruction—and almost Morgan’s own death. Luffy had been  _ so close,  _ to dealing the final, fatal blow. He had been so close to  _ slicing the man’s head off his shoulders.  _ But to talk of his subordinates as if they had no choices of their own, no free will, merely serving their ‘master’s’ wish…

The arrogance and horrible ideology was enough to incur Luffy’s wrath and scare everyone shitless, including Koby. Luffy almost feels sorry for the boy, but there’s no use hiding the reality of the world if Koby’s gonna be joining it soon enough. Might as well know what he signed up for.

Luffy needs to rest and think on this, learn to control the reaction. Morgan certainly isn’t the worst person to exist, and most of the enemies he’ll meet along the Grand Line served with the same attitude. It won’t bode well to become a murderous beast at the slightest inclination of such a view. He has taken enough lives, even if these people would have deserved it more than anyone else. His crew can’t have an unstable captain.

He has to reign himself in as much as his owners during enslavement had to; the sentiment makes Luffy growl. It seems that no matter who holds it, there will always be a leash attached to his neck. Maybe one day… Whatever, he shouldn’t think on it. He will not deny it, though—he is dangerous, to others, to his nakama, and himself included.

“Let’s go,” he mutters. Luffy sees them share a glance, but is too focused on his own raging world to discern the meaning immersed in their eyes.

Nami and Zoro stay a step behind him. He feels them buzzing with the need to speak—to  _ him,  _ of course—and make conversation. Admittedly, Luffy wishes for it too, if only to turn their eyes away from him and let his body untense, if only to remove himself from the conflict inside of him, the churning self-hatred and doubt.

He stops without warning, and pivots to them. Nami opens her mouth, no words leaving.

Luffy sticks his arm out, taking control of the situation and taking a risk for the first time in… well, forever, probably. At their confusion he says, “Grab on.” Luffy stomachs the acid threatening to rise at Nami’s hand clutching onto his bicep—too high for comfort.

He summons forth sparks, and the trio flash out of Shells Town, landing in the small boat Luffy and Nami arrived in. Luffy sighs deeply at the electricity that escapes in the aftermath of their teleport. His blood slows down, peace sinking in like a drug he has become dependent on for years. The world disappears around Luffy, leaving him to flounder in empty space, needing to leave and return to the waking world—because Nami and Zoro are probably asking questions  _ right now  _ and he needs to  _ answer them _ —but wanting to stay forever, no nightmares or demons daring to attack him.

Luffy is hauled roughly from his tranquillity by a hand once again on his arm. He zones back in, met immediately by Zoro less than a step from him. Wind flushes out the warmth previously gathered by lightning. Ice sprouts from where Zoro’s hand is.

He reels back, shaking Zoro off in panic. His heel cracks against the rim of the boat, and Luffy nearly tumbles into the sea. Zoro pulls him back on board, hand clutching tight and irremovable around his wrist. Luffy moves his head, side to side, desperate for Zoro to  _ get away. _

“—ffy! Luffy” Nami calls from Zoro’s back. Luffy stops, grounded to the boat and reality. His eyes slowly find Zoro, and the worry flooding his gaze is too unreal to comprehend.

“What… What’s wrong?” Luffy asks. He hopes for some semblance of a dream, that they won’t question his unprecedented reaction, that they won’t wonder or worry or press or push or say  _ anything.  _ Deep down he knows they won’t care about the mark on his back. Deep down, he knows they’ll only stand taller, help him upright, support him. Nami and Zoro won’t see him as weak. They  _ won’t,  _ they  _ can’t.  _ But he won’t take that chance. Luffy won’t take the chance that they’ll push too much. He can’t take that. Not now, and not anytime soon.

“You don’t have to hide, you know,” Nami says. Luffy slumps in defeat.

“I don’t know what came over me… sorry,” Luffy whispers, still staring at the offending touch. Zoro removes his hand and makes space, leaving Luffy to drop down and catch his breath.

“Luffy… We won’t push if you don’t want us to,” Zoro reassures him in the matter-of-fact tone that Luffy finds comfort in. No hesitation, no doubt, never wavering. Luffy nods.

Zoro clears his throat, “So. Your fruit?”

Luffy smiles, “a hybrid fruit, Logia and Zoan. I want to keep it a surprise for when we reach Orange Town.”

Zoro grimaces. A flash of horror crosses Nami’s expression.

“Why do I get the feeling this is going to end horribly for us?” Zoro asks.

* * *

Luffy takes both night shifts. There are a couple of things wrong with this: first, most obviously, is that Luffy should have woken Nami for the latter shift so she could manage the course and let Luffy sleep. Second… well, they are in East Blue, nothing is so dangerous as to require a constant and vigilant guard.

But it’s his first night back with Zoro and Nami. Luffy doesn’t want to ruin it with his violent, restless sleep, especially in the limited space of their boat.

And, when Zoro awakens and takes notice of Nami still resting, he turns confused eyes on Luffy. Luffy shrugs off the concern.

“I wasn’t tired, and Nami looked peaceful so I didn’t want to wake her,” Luffy says. Another thing he knows Zoro and Nami must be taken aback by: his unprecedented maturity—at least to them—and his more reserved demeanour. They take those things in stride, though, and Luffy is left alone, unquestioned and relieved. They needn’t know why Luffy is this way now. It hurts enough to think about it. If Luffy has his way, they won’t know for a  _ long  _ time.

“Orange Town is near. Leave the boat on its course and I’ll go visit Buggy. You and Nami can catch up in the meantime. I shouldn’t be gone for too long,” Luffy announces. Zoro lies back after a muttered affirmation, and Luffy makes sure to splash him with water as he takes to the sky, earning an affronted shout that miraculously doesn’t wake Nami.

Electricity zaps and crackles with every flap of his wings. They set off from Shells Town far earlier than previous, and thus the Buggy Ball that had originally taken him down would not appear today. Though, a Buggy Ball of an earlier weapon test may. It seems that Luffy’s entrance into Orange Town would be very similar to his other experience.

Luffy grunts as he lets himself get knocked out of the air, gravity and momentum of the collision forcing his downward plummet to accelerate. Wind whistles in his ears, and Luffy twists to prepare for the ground.

He rolls with the impact, avoiding any severe damage and rising to his feet in one fluid move. Dust and dirt assault his coat, and Luffy glares at the mess. The navy and red fabric is stained with brown. He straightens the coat, brushes off the dirt and finally turns to face the three Buggy pirates. They must be in the middle of a patrol, traversing the barren streets of Orange Town for a prize to return to Buggy… and a prize they had found indeed.

“How… how did you survive that? The fall should’ve killed you!” one exclaims, awed and shocked. His shirt is worn and dull, with tan pants to match.  _ Really fitting for a stereotypical pirate.  _ Luffy tries to keep serious, he really does, but these pirates are so innocent to the wonders of the Grand Line, so disbelieving of something they perceive to be a miracle. Surely they know what a devil fruit is? Their captain possesses one after all. How can he act a coward in their unflattering presence?

“Maa, maa,” Luffy starts, hands waving in a placating manner.  _ Look weak… they’ll definitely take the bait.  _ “Are you pirates?” Luffy reels away, forcing fear to coat his expression. He widens his eyes in mock surprise, finding that they are indeed…  _ pirates. _

“Please don’t kill me! I’m unarmed!” He makes an act of stumbling backwards, staring secretly amused as the pirates closed in a tight circle and held a heated debate. Their guard is non-existent. Luffy can strike them down with a single swipe of his foot. Or a finger.

“We’re taking you to our captain,” the one with the blue bandana says, and approaches Luffy, gun raised in his hand. “Come peacefully. Don’t try anything.” The tone is an attempt at sounding threatening. Luffy is sorely disappointed. How did he struggle in the East Blue last time? These pirates are pathetic.

Luffy obliges them and is escorted through the streets, a pirate behind, another in front, and the final beside him, gun pressed warningly against his temple. Luffy supposes he should be trembling in fear at his compromised position to complete the act, but the pirates are too confident to see him as anything but in their mercy. Not to mention, the bullet will phase right through him… if it’s shot. Whether the pirate with the gun has the guts to blow someone’s brain matter out at point blank range is questionable.

Regardless, it’s time to meet Buggy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't expect quick updates or a posting schedule lol


	3. Dark: Furorem

Luffy tugs at his bindings, wrists slightly burning. The three pirates that had escorted him to the rooftop—the Buggy Pirates’ temporary camp—had tightened the ropes way too much. Are they trying to kill him without their captain’s permission?

Buggy rants, though the words reach no one but himself. He spouts baseless claims of his greatness and Luffy wonders again how anyone could believe one word of it.

Luffy isn’t here to waste time, however, and the desire to return to Nami and Zoro has grown almost unbearable. Being captured wasn’t part of his plan—not that he ever planned ahead anyways. He had only come to liberate Orange Town and stretch his legs.

“Oi, Booger,” Luffy finally speaks up. He unleashes a lazy, weak pulse of Conqueror’s Haki, knocking out everyone on the roof sans Buggy. Buggy halts his tirade to choke in disbelief, spit flying and eyes bulging. The pirates around Luffy foam at the mouth, unconscious and still. Had Buggy not been part of Roger’s crew, Luffy bets he would think his entire crew dead.

Luffy sinks into the ropes, unbothered, bored, impatient. He pulls the air towards him, tension thickening in the atmosphere. He flashes free from his bindings and stands unrestrained before Buggy. The captain jerks away from the close proximity, trembling and defeated. Luffy tilts his head back and to the side, getting a good look at Buggy’s terrified eyes and slack jaw.

“You shouldn’t go around pillaging defenceless villages like this one,” he says softly, lips turning up. The answering bullet phases through his stomach and the building behind him, gunshot resounding loudly. Luffy raises a brow and shifts his feet back.

“Good night,” he smiles, knocking a heavy fist into Buggy’s face. Buggy crashes to the ground, feet still raised, clothes a mess and blue hair wild.

Luffy has spent more time than necessary here. The mayor is already on the way, aura traversing the town at a hurried pace.. He can take his leave and return to Zoro and Nami. The mayor can take care of the pirates. For now, Usopp awaits him.

* * *

“Luffy…” He can’t recognise the voice, but they look familiar. He swore they had never spoken in life.

Hands reach for Luffy. Blood leaks out. Dripping, trickling… Innocent eyes pierce into him, shocked by his sin… pained. Grievously pained. Her hands rise to his cheeks, holding them softly, gently, altogether unlike what Luffy deserves. He leans into the touch, aching for warmth. Her eyes shift. He gasps, despairing as the lights in her eyes dim, but she doesn’t die, doesn’t fall away and turn limp. Her hands are frozen on his cheeks.

The light keeps fading, fading, nothing left, just darkness. All dark, all empty, unfeeling, inhuman. The frozen hands become fierce, nails clawing at his skin. No pain erupts from the tears in his cheeks. Luffy shudders, disappointed. Isn’t this punishment? Isn’t this the least he deserves? Shouldn’t Luffy be suffering physical agony?

Or perhaps… perhaps the judges decided this emotional torment be enough; enough to be his undoing. And it’s working all too well. Luffy aches for the pain he deserves. He also longs for warmth, his nakama, comfort.

Luffy grips the girl’s wrists and rips them away, skin splitting further with the force. Liquid enters his wounds—a curious tingling, when there is no pain to be felt—and Luffy recognises it as his own tears.

He shakes his head, desperate and anguished. Luffy tries to twist his shoulders but his body is paralysed and unresponsive. His breathing quickens at being trapped. This immobility feels nothing like being underwater—anchored by his fruit—or chained. He can move, he knows he can. The weakness of his resolve keeps Luffy in place. The panic halts him.

_ Let me move… Why can’t I move? Please… Am I weak? _

The demonic  _ thing  _ that the girl has morphed into—skin ripped away, black eyes sunken in—steps closer. Its hands stroke his face, mouth gaping open in a nightmare scream. The panic is overwhelming him. There’s bugs itching on his skin. His muscles are locked with blinding horror, limbs tingling, mind screaming to  _ get away!  _ And the bugs aren’t real, this whole  _ world  _ isn’t real!

_ Please let me move…  _ But to his left and right and above his head is the same scene of black eyes and terror and static, hands outstretched, touching him, whispering in his ear and begging  _ why, why, why! _

He had killed them. He had caused this nightmare to come to fruition. He had killed them out of some stupid, twisted mercy. But was it right? Surely not, if they haunt him now, screaming for answers he doesn’t have and can’t afford to give.  _ I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I killed you. Please let me move… _

Luffy struggles beneath their grip, trying to tear away and escape this hell. And he is drowning, drowning in their despair and his own despair. Their pain is his. Their hands are his. Their terror is his and there’s no way out, there will never be a way out. He is trapped in a terrifying eternity and he’ll never see light again. 

_ Please please please! _

Their painful shrieks and ghostly faces are imprinted in his mind, the image appearing behind closed lids.

Luffy screams with no sound and no hope. His mind trembles and falls apart at too much happening, too much to comprehend, too much to bear. This is worse than pain and worse than a whip. It’s far worse than any torture he’d suffered.

_ Let me move… _

The hands are rough and persistent, shaking and shaking, rocking him back and forth, disorienting him.

“Luffy… Luffy… Luffy…”

It’s an overlay of voices. Whose? He hears the creatures, the calls of the slaughtered children, and…

He trashes in their grip, fueled by the desperation to find the third source of the voice shouting his name, one last chance to escape hell and reach the surface. Luffy’s leg is unrestrained. He kicks out, unable to find purchase and hope is almost sucked out again—

“Oi! Luffy!” Zoro shouts, pulling him to the waking world and the daylight. Luffy trembles, his whole body freezing. He’s confused, still half-asleep, the cries of the creatures still whispering through him.

Luffy blinks rapidly, and Zoro’s face is right above his. He grabs onto Zoro’s arm to ground himself, curls his body around it and takes heaving, shuddering breaths. Luffy stares around at the beach. Nami is nowhere to be seen. It’s just him and Zoro on their tiny boat, and the terrors of his nightmare still hovering at his side.

_ Oh… I fell asleep. _

“Are you alright?” Zoro asks softly, keeping his voice low. The swordsman sits down, and Luffy can finally loosen his grip, breathing slow and steady.

Luffy nods and turns his eyes down, anxiety prickling at his skin. Zoro had caught him sleeping and vulnerable. Luffy had  _ slept in front of his nakama.  _ Zoro’s gaze burns into him, questioning. Luffy shakes his head, mind plagued not by nightly terrors, but by irrational fear.

_ Zoro saw me. I can’t believe it. I’m so stupid. I fell asleep and now he has more reason to be suspicious. I’m weak and he knows it. Maybe he’ll question me. _

Luffy releases Zoro completely and pulls his knees to his chest, curling in to escape the cold Zoro’s absence left. Already, he is forgetting what the nightmare contained. But the feeling is there, of misery and hopelessness and hands everywhere, and the image of the ghostly faces remains apparent.

Zoro stares at him a moment longer before rising and jumping onto the beach. Luffy relaxes and his shoulders untense.

“Nami is in the village finding Usopp. We’re meeting for lunch,” Zoro explains before heading off, following the path to the village. Luffy hopes Zoro can find the way, though with Observation Haki, following Nami and Usopp shouldn’t be too hard for the directionless swordsman.

He removes his coat—soaked with sweat and uncomfortable—and spreads it out on the planks. Hopefully no one will take notice of his unease and absent mind when he decides to join them.

Luffy stays on the boat, shivering from the touch of a ghost.

* * *

The three are already inside when he arrives, hesitating at the entrance and breathing harshly. Usopp is standing in anticipation. He must have sensed Luffy approaching. Zoro watches him closely, eyes still harbouring a hint of worry; the gaze unnerves Luffy. Nami smiles and waves him over.

Luffy grins and runs at Usopp, throwing his arms around the sniper and tucking his head into Usopp’s shoulder. He feels Usopp trembling with tears, though Luffy cannot bring himself to cry as well. He squeezes tighter in response, another weight lifting off his shoulders, another nakama returned to his side. Luffy focuses on the elation and relief Usopp is feeling, rather than the hands clutching at his back, firing up his old wounds.

He pulls away first, hissing internally at the small shift in Usopp. Will he ever get through a reunion without arousing suspicion? Usopp doesn’t ask him about it, just drags him by the hand to their table and the waiting mountain of food. Luffy sits, carefully masking his apprehension. He feels bile rising at the sight of so much food. The hours spent in silence aboard the boat had done nothing to abate his fear and nausea.

It’s another worry, the obvious difference in how he eats. Not so much less as  _ slowly.  _ He takes his time, savours the food, bringing his attention fully into every bite. A habit picked up from  _ that  _ time, and too sharp a contrast from his usual black hole of an appetite. If anyone were to call him out—which they haven’t yet,  _ thank god _ —Luffy could chalk it up to his devil fruit’s nature and hope they didn’t remember how much his brothers  _ also  _ ate. For now, the side glances he receives from Usopp are enough.

Between the lingering touches on his back and the nightmare still fresh in his mind from hours ago, Luffy quickly loses his appetite, before anyone else finishes their food. He pushes his half-empty plate to the middle of the table, rising from his seat and biting his lip.

“I’m going outside,” he says, though the explanation is sorely unneeded and only brings his crew’s attention closer to his unease. Luffy excuses himself from the table, keeping his stride calm while still under their scrutiny.

The moment he reaches the windowless wall of the building outside— _ secluded, alone _ —Luffy presses a hand against it and heaves, trying to muffle the sound of his retching. He  _ just  _ ate. Not  _ much  _ food, but still something. Why did he have to lose it immediately? Why can’t his back be clean? Why does he have to suffer at every touch? Why can’t he be free from his mind?

Nothing comes up on the next heave.

Luffy squeezes his eyes shut, clutching at his hollow stomach and panting. He feels lightheaded, and stumbles over to lean his back on the wall. His hand clamps over his eyes, blocking out the light completely.

His breathing accelerates at the new arrival, oxygen excruciatingly hard to take in to his lungs. He hadn’t sensed the person approaching…  _ Am I so far gone that my Haki is failing me, too? _

It’s Zoro, he finally recognises, so Luffy doesn’t lower his hand. Zoro’s already seen him vulnerable many times since they reunited, so what’s one more time going to do? There’s no need for false masks around the swordsman. No masks… only secrets. Too many secrets to bear.

“Zoro…” Luffy shudders a breath, “What do you—want?” He can sense Zoro’s posture; arms crossed over his chest, standing straight, tall, much taller than Luffy. His lips tighten, eyes twitching, but Luffy holds the tears away. Why does Zoro bring him so much comfort, yet so much pain? 

“Tell me what’s going on,” Zoro says.

Luffy scoffs. “You know I won’t,” he replies, voice trembling.  _ I want to though. I want to _ — _ so badly. But… _

“You will eventually,” Zoro states. And, yes, that’s inevitable. But he is  _ not  _ ready; he’s  _ far  _ from ready. The hand around his stomach moves in a wave, a clear sign to Zoro;  _ go away.  _ It’s a clear sign he doesn’t believe in.

Luffy wants Zoro to push him,  _ desperately. _ But Zoro, ever the loyal first mate, takes the hint and turns, calling over his shoulder, “Nami and Usopp are going to the mansion to prepare the Going Merry. Kuro’s acting early. I’ll be awaiting his crew’s arrival. Meet me there.” Luffy hears the hurt in his tone, the worry, and wants nothing more than to call him back and tell him  _ everything. _

Alone, Luffy drops to his knees, hand pressing closer to his face. Longing pulls at him, its claws tugging at his heart, pleading for him to shout for Zoro, though he’s long gone and wouldn’t hear him. Luffy fights the sobs, choking on the acrid smell of puke. He thrusts his arm out, knowing help is right there— _ so close _ —but he’s too afraid to ask for it.

His hand finds nothing.

* * *

Luffy has a feeling he’ll regret leaving his coat behind on the boat. Suffering the fear that people would see his back was worse than enduring sweat and discomfort. His rational mind  _ knows  _ that his red shirt is more than enough, that no one can magically see the scars beneath it. The foreboding that comes with this regret sets it apart from the other emotions he’s experienced since waking. There’s something unpleasant coming.

“See my ultimate technique:  _ Shakushi!”  _ Kuro shouts. Luffy shouts after him, too late to stop Kuro from initiating his stupid, uncontrolled attack. He hadn’t expected Kuro to use it so early on in the fight—if it could even be  _ called  _ a fight. Luffy and Zoro had only been messing around after all, bullying the pirates and releasing some energy. Shouldn’t  _ Shakushi  _ be used as a last resort, a trump card?

Kuro’s claws strike down the pirates in his path. The pirates stood no chance, caught unaware and given no time to run from the line of danger. Blood spatters on the sand. The flurry of screams drawn out from Kuro’s attack are swiftly cut off.

Luffy dives towards Kuro with the intent to protect the last of the pirates, because there’s already been too much needless death. He can put an end to the bloodshed with the death of Kuro. It’s the fastest course of action, the first Luffy can think up in the split second.

He doesn’t think of what could happen, what the consequences were. He acts on instinct, eyes tunnelling on Kuro’s wildly spinning figure, and all Luffy can think is  _ how dare Kuro slaughter his own crew! _

The wind whistles at his speed, arm crackling with electricity. He feels nothing beyond blinding anger.

_ Kill him! _

Ah, there it is. That voice of years ago, the devilish one, the merciless one. A different tone from Luffy’s own, one that’s tainted with a desire he never wanted, a desire forced upon him because those nobles had him pinned down and reduced to a mere puppet.

Luffy leaves himself open to Kuro’s claws, doesn’t block or twist away. There’s no use for defence. What damage could Kuro possibly inflict on him?

The metallic scent assaulting his nose is screaming at him to  _ hurry,  _ and he overshoots the dive, spinning to face Kuro head on. Claws rip into his back—

Luffy’s fist is thrown with scarce restraint, and Kuro’s jaw is shattered and he falls to the ground, unmoving but still breathing, just barely. It had only taken a second. Less. How could a man so weak kill so many? How could Luffy let this happen?

Kuro doesn’t deserve mercy. Luffy should  _ finish him.  _ He should listen to that voice, its crows growing louder in his ears. Luffy raises his arm, preparing to punch again, no hesitation, no doubt, ready to eliminate a pest.

He can’t move his wrist. It’s ensnared in Zoro’s hand, and the swordsman is staring at him with poorly contained shock. Luffy snaps his head back to Kuro, glaring, but the devilish voice is fading away, and Luffy comes to his senses.

His eyes refocus, taking in the sight of the half-dead man, glasses shattered, jaw crooked, blood spilling from his nose.

The hand disappears from his wrist. Luffy rises from Kuro and steps away. The rest of the crew, led by Jango, abandon the fight and run to their ship in defeat.

Six dead. Six lives lost, dim as they were. It should seem like a victory that no more were killed like they had been in the previous timeline, but it’s not; Luffy’s much stronger, he should’ve been able to prevent this loss effortlessly.

Luffy’s hand closes in a fist, nails biting at his palm. It’s a repeat of Shells Town, of Morgan’s almost-murder. He turns from Zoro, from Kuro, eyes trained to their boat in the distance and his coat draped over the side.

“Wait, Luffy!” Zoro calls after him. “Shouldn’t you treat those? At least clean them out?”

The stinging in his back makes itself aware at Zoro’s words. Luffy touches a hand to the shallow slashes and brings back blood. They’ll stop bleeding on their own soon enough. He shakes his head, pushing into a walk, but Zoro goes to his side.

“Let me see them. The bastard might have put poison—”

Luffy rips away from Zoro. To show Zoro the scratches would show him everything else too, everything he wishes to  _ hide.  _ Zoro has him trapped. The swordsman won’t see his wounds… but Luffy’s weakness is clear now. It must be  _ obvious  _ to him that Luffy’s troubles centre largely around his back. That vulnerability is the last thing he needs right now, and it piles heavily onto all the other things Zoro had seen since his nightmare this morning.

“No, Zoro,” he snaps. Zoro halts at the order, the harsh tone. Luffy winces. “I’ll be fine. I’m going to collect our belongings to move to the Merry.” He leaves Zoro to his frustrations, alone on the blood-stained sand, the same two words ticking back and forth through his head.

* * *

Luffy steered clear of the others during their short journey to the Baratie. His equanimous countenance and evasiveness got him out of any interactions. There were no questions, and Luffy was able to bask in silence and seclusion. He refused to acknowledge their well-meant concerns and kept his disarray veiled.

Zoro was especially hard to stay away from. Where Nami and Usopp kept their distance, Zoro was persistent. He dropped many offers of help, nonverbally, and his steadfast eyes were constantly on Luffy. But Zoro’s challenges of his facade were swiftly crushed. Luffy took every opportunity to avoid him, always cutting eye contact, inquiring Nami about their course or watching Usopp paint the flags—still the same jolly roger with the straw hat, despite Luffy not possessing it any longer.

His goal was to come across as perfectly sane in all manners, so that his crewmates’ worries could be allayed. He knew he was failing. Luffy had the best crew in all four seas. They knew him well. They couldn’t fall for his lies. But his silent pleas for them to  _ stay away, don’t worry about me  _ and  _ look ahead  _ were accepted.

But, why go to such lengths to avoid their help, suffering days on end from the anxiety that they might discover his indisposition. He feared them—irrationally—and thought they might recoil in disgust at the brand on his back. Those were erroneous thoughts, Luffy knew that quite well. But he was in no position to make the cogs in his brain spin the other way; he was helpless to the flood of intrusive thoughts.

Luffy is on night watch, again, and the wounds on his back have dried. He sits on Merry’s head, taking in the vast sea of stars twinkling down on him. He rests a hand on his back, rubbing lightly.

The impulse to scratch at the itching of dried blood—which he should have cleaned immediately—twists into something sinister. It’s not the first time he felt the need to inflict wounds on himself, feel the pain, ground himself to this world. Without pain as a constant, Luffy is restless and uncomfortable. The whips had instilled that into him. In his seclusion at Dawn Island, there was no one to help him out of it. It is yet another secret he has to keep from the crew.

His mind clouds over, aching for the relief of corporeal, palpable pain. He wants to give in, starting with the raw scratches on his lower back. The grounding will help. It will prove this is not a dream; he is indeed in the past, seeing his nakama again.

He shakes his head, bleary. His focus wanders from place to place, no comprehensible destination appearing in the forefront of his mind.

Maybe, just this once, he’ll put in the effort to heal. Zoro doesn’t need another reason to press him for answers. Luffy should ignore this temptation for Zoro and Nami and Usopp.

He will reunite with Sanji tomorrow. The least Luffy can do is push down the horrible thoughts plaguing him and present a cheerful smile; show Sanji there is nothing to worry about.  _ Definitely  _ show Zoro that he isn’t pained or broken, that he doesn’t need fixing.

Tomorrow, Luffy  _ can’t  _ show weakness.

Nami leads them into the floating restaurant. It’s tight-packed, customers occupying almost every table in the room. The chatter is loud, the smell of food oppressive, and Luffy steels his nerves before he can walk straight back out of the Baratie.

Thankfully, the round table they sit at is near the entrance. The air is lighter here, more breathable. Luffy sits on the cushioned seat with his back to the wall. Zoro sits to his right, Nami to his left and Usopp across from him. Apart from Zoro, they are flipping through the menu, mouths practically watering.

Luffy glances to Zoro and meets his eyes. Zoro stares back, unblinking. He turns away just as quickly, focusing his attention to the kitchen’s entrance, and the blond-haired cook that emerges from it.

“NAMI-CHAN!” Sanji twirls to the table, hearts in his eyes and drinks in his hands. He places the glasses down and kneels on one knee, kissing the back of Nami’s hand. Usopp hugs the cook and cheers, downing the saké in one shot.

“Hey, Moss-head,” Sanji greets mockingly.

Zoro snarls back, “Stupid Cook.”

They snipe at each other a few more times before Sanji approaches Luffy with a cheesy grin.

“Captain,” Sanji intones. Luffy takes the proffered hand and pulls the cook in for a quick hug. When he retakes his seat, Sanji is watching him, taking in his form from head to toes and wincing. Luffy shifts under the scrutinising gaze and looks down.

“I’ll make you all lunch. Nami-chan gets desert,” Sanji says, and without waiting for a response, he’s gone, cheerful demeanour replaced with stiffness.

Nami and Usopp are engaged in conversation when Zoro nudges his foot with his own. Luffy meets Zoro’s questioning gaze, no doubt curious and confused about his interaction with Sanji. Luffy adopts a smile and joins the conversation on the other side of the table, once more dismissing Zoro’s concerns.

Sanj returns half an hour later with many plates of food. He’s made their favourites, dishes generous enough in size to share around. In front of Luffy, Sanji places a plate with a slightly smaller portion, unnoticeable to anyone else. It’s a bowl of soup, filled with meat and vegetables—that Luffy normally wouldn’t get within ten feet of—and is light enough that Luffy shouldn’t have trouble with it.

Usopp has tears running down his face, cheeks expanded with food, another forkful already going in, and he says something like  _ delicious,  _ or  _ missed,  _ but Luffy can’t comprehend it entirely.

Sanji sits opposite him, grinning once more as the crew enjoys his cooking once again, pride glinting in his eyes. More often than not, Sanji’s proud gaze is focused on him. Luffy takes the soup in slowly, savouring every heavenly bite.

He wipes at his eyes before tears can fully form, Sanji’s care resulting in some profound joy within him. Sanji had, with one look at Luffy, understood his needs, and didn’t push Luffy’s limits.

“I haven’t heard a word about Don Krieg, let alone Mihawk,” Sanji comments. “I doubt they’ll be appearing at Baratie this time.” Luffy leans back in his seat. It can’t be a simple difference in time, no matter how swiftly he and his nakama are traversing their original route. Days have been saved. The timeline has already been altered with that small difference. Perhaps their ‘trip’ itself is the sole cause.

“This world is changing,” Nami says, “We should’ve expected this. Heck, Luffy even has a different fruit!” Sanji and Usopp’s heads whip towards him. Luffy rubs his head sheepishly. Avoiding Usopp on the way here prevented him from finding  _ that  _ out.

Usopp clears his throat, “More things are gonna change. It’s a whole new adventure now.”

Sanji rises from his seat and gathers their plates. “I’ve already said my goodbyes to Old Man Zeff. We can leave right away.”

“To Cocoyashi,” Luffy declares in a whisper. His nakama echo him.

Two more islands and then they’ll be on the Grand Line.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)))))))))


	4. Journey: Procellos

Nami had beaten Arlong with undoubtable ease, sending him into oblivion with a well-placed strike of her staff. The other pirates under Arlong were defeated similarly by Sanji and Usopp, followed by the destruction of Arlong’s hideout—the map room had never quite been filled, for Nami had left Cocoyashi earlier on to gather resources at other East Blue islands—in a hail of kicks and bombs, leaving only a mountain of wooden debris.

Luffy stands with Zoro outside the walls of the ruined building, awaiting the late arrival of the marines, led by Nezumi, face still as mean as ever. There’s an air of fear to the man, spreading to his underlings. The marine with the den den mushi to Nezumi’s right quivers, knees barely holding him upright.

“If it ain’t the rat,” Zoro greets with a menacing step forward. The marines halt in their track, terrified glances pointing at Nezumi, the so-called rat.  _ Rightly so,  _ Luffy thinks, remembers the back-stabbing, ‘good’ marine that Nezumi had been the first time, conspiring with Arlong and breaking promises for his own personal gain. Oh, how great it would have been with Nami here to give him a piece of her mind; Nami and the rest of the crew had gone to the village to begin preparations for the celebratory festivities.

Luffy matches Zoro’s stride, bearing down on Nezumi in a storm of crackling light, accentuating his words, “Pirates liberated a village from pirates.” He spits on the ground at Nezumi’s feet, “Isn’t that  _ your  _ job,  _ marine?”  _ Luffy raises a foot and knocks Nezumi to the dirt, sandal digging roughly into the man’s cheek. Nezumi scurries back in fright, hands scraping through the earth in desperation as Luffy pulls back his leg to strike again. The other marines give them a wide berth, two outright running from the scene, leaving their backs open to danger.

Zoro comes closer, a katana drawn by his side, Haki coating the blade a glistening black. Nezumi’s eyes glaze over at the sight of the blade pointing towards his neck, the threat even freezing his trembling, every instinct fighting to run.

“Leave Cocoyashi alone and get your rat’s ass far away from here!” Luffy warns, killer intent curling through his words. He feints a lunge and sends Nezumi into a stumbling sprint, marines following without hesitation. The tall grass rustles wildly at their departure, raising the sound of startled birds and terrified men.

“Do you think we’ll get a bigger bounty?” he asks Zoro, whose katana is now sheathed away. A game, a competition, just like long ago, a happier time. Luffy feels joy at Zoro’s matching response, eager and delighted, a contrast to the pain of their bickering and fighting and cold words cutting at kind ones.

Zoro smirks, “That’s the goal.”

* * *

Luffy shakes, heart pounding heavily against his ribs, mind overtaken by worry and vulnerability at the cursed sight before him.

Their bounties had indeed been bigger, as Zoro predicted. The same as last time, they received the bounties by bird on route to Loguetown. Sanji and Usopp cried in disappointment at their lack of bounty, having gone unnoticed in Cocoyashi by the marines, despite their rather loud takedown of the building, which had sounded as loud as thunder.

Nami had been captured in image by who Luffy presumes to be the marine with the den den mushi. Her staff is held post-strike, Arlong flung in midair in a whirl of flailing limbs, and Nami’s gaze is intimidatingly smug, enough to frighten off anyone looking.

_ “Dead or alive: Cat Burglar Nami. Thirty million beri,”  _ Nami reads out, excited and proud. She pumps her fist into the air and turns to Luffy, “The same as your first bounty.” Her eyes form beri signs as she continues to stare at the poster.

“NAMI-CHAN, YOU’RE AMAZING!” Sanji passionately yells, hands wringing together, previous sorrow forgotten. Usopp only nods in congratulations before switching back to sulking, finger dragging across the wooden floor in dejection.

Zoro grabs the last two posters from Nami, Luffy reading with him over his elbow.

_ “Dead or alive: Wind Blade Roronoa Zoro. Fifty million beri,”  _ Zoro laughs. The name sounds so cool, and Luffy comments as such. They observe the image together, haki-coated katana drawn, eyes shadowed and an aura of killer intent leaking out.

But Luffy shakes, hard, despite his taxing efforts to hide it, as they read his own poster, the condemning message at the top striking through Luffy.

_ “Only alive?”  _ Zoro reads out, confused. The swordsman can’t help but glance at Sanji, still fawning over Nami. It makes sense, the only likely conclusion, that Luffy must have been recognised by a powerful, influential person, to be marked as  _ only alive,  _ like Sanji had when he was recognised as a Vinsmoke. Zoro finishes going over the words, tone losing strength at his bafflement,  _ “Storm Demon Monkey D. Luffy, Sixty million beri.”  _ The novelty of the name is nothing in comparison to the words at the top.

Zoro nudges him, “Why? Do you know what it means?”

“Yes,” Luffy chokes out, air suddenly difficult to take in. He rips the paper out of Zoro’s hands and stares unfocused at the message. Shaking his head, Luffy thrusts the poster back into Zoro’s hold and storms away from the group, wind batting at his face.

Usopp calls from behind him, ready to follow, but Zoro holds up an arm in warning. Zoro’s whispers are incomprehensible to Luffy, though he knows the others are reading Luffy’s bounty poster too, their eyes now boring into him in concern and bemusement.

Luffy feels agonised, somehow. His back burns where the mark is, his stomach growls in hunger, his mind is almost numb from the realisation.  _ They recognise me.  _ Luffy sits atop the Going Merry’s head, letting the smell of seawater and salty air flood his being, the smell of  _ freedom.  _ And it’s a freedom Luffy refuses to ever give up again. Four years since he’d escaped hell at Rayleigh’s side, every memory remaining too vivid to ignore, too vivid to try and heal. The thought that these nobles  _ still recognised him,  _ their prized possession, their old troublemaker, their biggest income, frightened Luffy to the depths of his soul.

This freedom isn’t permanent, isn’t for granted. It is made off of years of suffering and torment and lasting scars that Luffy will perhaps never heal from. To feel his hard-earned freedom seep between his fingers like the sand of an hourglass ticking the time away is a curse; a curse that never leaves, always there to remind him of the futility of life.

“Luffy?” comes a tentative voice. Luffy, too deep in his thoughts to sense anyone approaching, twists around to find Sanji.  _ Not Zoro, for once,  _ he comments silently. It makes sense for it to be Sanji, after what he’d read.

“I’m fine,” Luffy whispers on instinct, but there’s no will in his words, no honesty or conviction. Not even a kid could believe his words to be the truth. Sanji looks exhausted as he leans against the rail of the Merry, arms folded and eyes shut. He almost seems asleep.

Luffy bites his quivering lips and turns his back to Sanji, focusing his gaze to the open sea and clear sky. The sound of gently crashing waves against the flanks of the ship fill in the void, the only constant in a world of overwhelming change.

“I know Zoro suspects something,” Sanji starts, and Luffy wishes he could stop talking. “It’s obvious in the way he protects you like he’s your personal bodyguard.” Luffy scoffs at that, seeing the truth in it. Always protecting, always by his side. “I won’t pry, though I know you’re silently suffering and it pains me to stay away and not pass any help.”

“You have been helping,” Luffy cuts in. “With food.”

Sanji hums, “It’s not enough. Luffy, please find it in you to someday talk to us, to trust us with your troubles.”

Luffy nods slowly, unsure of the validity of his promise. Will he ever tell them? Perhaps, when hiding his troubling past becomes too much to handle alone—

They have  _ always been too much to handle,  _ regardless of how hard Luffy tries to hide it. He wants nothing more than to say every word, show every memory, lay his skin bare for all to see and then hide in the warmth of his nakama. But every time,  _ every damn time,  _ he chokes on his words and seizes up, pushes instead of pulls and fights against his crew with cruel, undeserving words, words that should be pointed at  _ him. _

Sanji sighs and leaves Luffy by himself, joining the others for lunch. Luffy runs a hand through his hair and takes a shuddering breath, the sea no longer as calming as it had been. He is alone once more due to his own distance and pointed dismissals, due to his clammed up throat and the locked cage around his heart.

Has loneliness ever hurt this much?

* * *

Luffy misses lunch, sitting in solitude upon the Merry’s head, soaking in dark thoughts. As the crew file out of the small room after their meal is finished, Zoro separates from the group as Luffy predicted he would.

“Did Sanji send you here?” Luffy asks, just to stall and make conversation, keep the difficult questions away. He turns his full attention to Zoro, gazing down at him with an eyebrow quirked in a facade of curiosity. Zoro shakes his head and assumes the same spot Sanji did before, though it would kill the two of them to know that. Luffy’s lips twitch in a half smile.

“No,” Zoro replies to acquiesce in Luffy’s reluctance and failed attempt at small talk. “We haven’t spoken in a while.”

“We have not,” Luffy agrees with a flinch.  _ All we’ve done is fight.  _ Zoro bubbles with thoughts and impatience, so Luffy tells him, “I can  _ hear  _ your questions. Go ahead.” The request isn’t all that easy. He wants nothing more than to run away. The least he can do is hurry the conversation, limit the length of his anxiety and aversion.

Zoro lightly says, “I recall you being taller.” Luffy almost slips from his post in surprise.  _ Where is this coming from?  _ He squints at Zoro, trying to pick out the reasoning but coming up empty.  _ I recall you being taller.  _ Luffy remembers Nami’s scrutinising gaze at their reunion, peeking through her joy and tears. He remembers a similar reaction from Usopp, not as well hidden as the navigator.  _ I recall it too. _

“Some…  _ things  _ are out of our control. You know that as well as I do,” Luffy responds slowly, as if to a young child. Zoro looks put out, almost hurt at the vagueness of his words. Luffy hopes the swordsman isn’t cursing him out within his head.  _ No, Zoro.  _ He mirrors Zoro’s folded arms, tilting his head to the man, “I’m sorry, Zoro,  _ really _ .”

Zoro takes it as his cue to leave, departing without a word nor a single glance in Luffy’s direction.  _ Is this what he felt like when I ignored him,  _ Luffy thinks as hurt constricts his lungs. But then he remembers the bounty, the  _ only alive.  _ His first thoughts, again,  _ they know, they know, they know who I am.  _ Luffy struggles past it with an image of an old marine and a swirl of flames.  _ Garp… Ace… Ace knows. They know I’m alive.  _ Luffy allows a smile to form, thoughts of someday reuniting with Ace—Garp… not so much—and fighting by his side. Maybe in Alabasta, against Crocodile and his agents. It would be a dream come true; his brother alive, delighted to see him.

_ Sabo… Do you remember me?  _ Perhaps that hope is a little foolish.

* * *

Loguetown sits on the horizon, swiftly approaching and giving rise to a cascade of memories from their first adventure; the lightning, his  _ father,  _ the platform the Pirate King had been executed over two decades prior to Luffy’s departure from Dawn Island. A famous legacy, for pirates, for freedom, for the legend of the seas, for the launching of a new era of pirates and adventure.

As they dock, Nami takes initiative. She gives Zoro the task of guarding the Merry— _ directionless idiot _ , she had stated—whilst she and Sanji would pair up to restock the ship’s supplies. Usopp is left to explore Loguetown alone— _ have something to do,  _ he commented before leaving—as is Luffy.

Zoro hops off the Merry next, a blatant disregard for Nami’s command, mutters something about  _ Sandai Kitetsu  _ and  _ Yubashiri  _ before picking a direction at random and following it. Luffy supposes Zoro was talking about two of his katana, which he must have picked up in Loguetown in their original timeline. Though the latter blade does not sound as familiar to Luffy as Kitetsu. It likely broke during their adventures.

With Zoro gone, no one is left to guard the Merry. Then again, they hadn’t had anyone guard it last time, and it fared just time. Luffy can sense if someone comes near it with harmful intentions whilst he’s in Loguetown.

He has a clear destination; that one, lonely bar run by Ron or whatever his name is, Luffy will figure it out.

The bar itself remains as empty as ever. The owner stands behind the bar, uselessly cleaning at his already spotless glasses. He looks up at Luffy’s entrance.

“A customer,” he remarks. “You look a little young to be in here, lad.”

“I don’t want a drink, sorry,” Luffy says bluntly. He sits himself at a table, taking in the damp, confining room, the dusty barrels and eerie silence. The bar lacks the smell of alcohol normal in a bar. “I just want to talk.” The man adjusts his small glasses and takes a seat next to him, arm thrown over the back of the chair and staring at him intently.

“Raoul. And you are?” Raoul introduces.

“Monkey D. Luffy,” he returns. Raoul’s expression morphs into slight surprise.

“D…” he wonders, straightening his back. “I can’t recall the last D I met, apart from Roger.” The memories of their conversation drift in the foggy sea. Luffy remembers hearing the story of Roger from Raoul, remembers being so immersed in it, so bright and hopeful and optimistic.

“Pirate King,” Luffy says, bringing Raoul out of his evident reminiscing, chasing away his glassy eyes. “My dream is to become the Pirate King,” whispered, sworn, an unbreakable oath, one that Luffy has almost given up and refuses to think of giving up again.

“That’s a big dream you have,” Raoul lowers his head to meet Luffy’s eyes. “You think you can do it?”

“No dream is too big for me, Raoul-san,” Luffy retorts, letting his voice rise with uncommon confidence. “I’ll find Roger’s treasure and become Pirate King, with my nakama at my side!” It’s a dream he has yet to voice aloud for anyone to hear since he set off from Dawn Island. Determination races in his veins, adrenaline bubbling. That desire, that  _ yearning,  _ for freedom, for the freedom that comes with being the Pirate King… it’s louder than ever. He won’t let that voice die down.

Raoul only whispers, “If you say so, kid.” And that’s enough of an encouragement for Luffy. He leaves the bar feeling much lighter than before, his little, constant squabbles temporarily thrust to the back of his mind. For now, the joy of a brightly burning dream and the aura of Smoker nearby trips Luffy into an excited skip through the streets of Loguetown, taking in the lively streets of shoppers and shopkeepers and moving steadily closer to Smoker’s path.

Smoker’s arrival comes with a fist of white that Luffy smoothly avoids, ducking to the side and then down as the hand returns to Smoker.

“Monkey D. Luffy,” Smoker greets as the civilians make their way out of danger, screaming and panicking. Luffy nods his head in acknowledgement. Smoker stands tall, two cigars shrivelling away at his mouth, smoke trails curling into the air. He is tensed for a fight, wary and very focused on Luffy. He guesses it is because of the sheer amount of beris he is worth, marking him as a bigger threat than any other to be found in East Blue.

Luffy knocks up his elbow sharply, metallic black coating his fist, as Smoker’s fist collides with his arm. Smoker adopts a look of immense surprise, his aura becoming increasingly alert. Smoker must not have come into contact with Haki before. For all he knows, Smoker is arrogant in his ability and his Logia fruit. Rare and overpowered against East Blue foes, but not against a Haki-user, and certainly not against another Logia user. And Luffy is both of those.

He announces his fruit with a crackle of electricity, shocking Smoker away. The air becomes humid and tense, clouds oddly gathering above, darkening to grey and black. Smoker steps back slowly, one foot at a time, looking from Luffy to the sky and back again. Luffy inhales deeply, catching the scent of the gathering storm and sending invisible waves to the sky. He condenses the thunderous energy, and watches as Smoker’s demeanour turns frightened and defeated. There is no hope of victory against Luffy, Smoker can see that.

“You have my respect, marine,” Luffy says,  _ not just now, but  _ then.

He strikes forward, fist thrown at Smoker’s face, still coated in his Armament Haki. With a resounding crack, electricity sparks at the contact, and Smoker is knocked into the wall of a bakery. The wall shatters with the outrageous force. Smoker slips, unconscious, into the pile of rubble and dust. The rising dust obscures Smoker from view.

Around Luffy, gasps of horror and fear rise from the gathered crowd. Luffy glances around at them, sees the eyes that have  _ monster  _ written all over them—though nothing less can be expected from a Devil Fruit and Haki user, despite these people’s lack of experience with them, and Luffy is not affected in the least by the stares—and waits for them to clear him a path to the docks.

The others are waiting for him at the Merry, their shopping complete and the ship fully restocked. Their next destination awaits them.

They climb the waterfall, the sea raging at the sides of the Merry, a thunderous chorus of waves deafening them and playing a storm through the wood of the ship. Every leap forward is a leap closer to the comings of their dreams. Smiles play about their faces as they gather in a circle around a barrel on the deck of the Going Merry.

“To find All Blue!” says Sanji, foot thudding onto the barrel, voice tinged with nostalgia and will.

“To be the greatest swordsman!” says Zoro, adorned with his newly acquired katana.

“To draw a map of the world!” says Nami, eyes filled with compasses and anticipation.

“To become a brave warrior of the sea!” says Usopp, though Luffy believes that dream is not too far off.

“To become the Pirate King; to be free!” says Luffy, leg joining the rest on the barrel, and the others are too occupied with the intensity of this empowering moment, and no more than a few brief glances of confusion are exchanged at Luffy’s small edition.

The moment bubbles brighter than the storm, a volcano waiting to erupt, and it’s a happier moment than anything else experienced on this short journey so far; of dreams never forgotten; of dreams they will never give up; of dreams they  _ will  _ achieve, no matter what obstacles are thrown at them.

Across the never-ending seas of danger and delight, an old man rejoices at the news of his grandson, thought to be dead but still truly alive.

* * *

“Lu—” Ace stumbles back, bringing the attention of his nakama. Tears spill from his eyes, sobs choking at his throat and cutting off his words. How many years has it been? How many years has it been, since he thought his two brothers and only friends had  _ died?  _ But  _ Luffy?  _ His eyes can’t be deceiving him, it’s easy to see the words right in front of him, the  _ picture  _ of his supposedly dead  _ brother,  _ all intimidating eyes and crackling lightning.

Is this really his Luffy? The happy-go-lucky, monstrous eater of a little brother? Ace hesitates to believe it, too much reason to doubt that Luffy is alive after years of thinking him dead and years of fruitlessly searching for the damn noble that either captured or killed him. But the other part of his mind begs him to accept the visible truth written on that poster:  _ Storm Demon Monkey D. Luffy. Sixty million beri. _

And yes, the truth is there and he can’t deny it and doesn’t want to deny it. Ace feels knives in his heart as he looks closely at the picture, examining every inch of his long lost brother. He sees the gaunt face and haunted gaze, the more concealing clothes—too much a contrast against his shameless little Luffy—and the  _ Only Alive  _ written starkly across the top of the page. Ace can’t ignore the possible link between them.

“What’s wrong? Oi, Ace!” a crewmate calls loudly, shaking Ace’s shoulder.

Ace breathes in, slow and steady, back out again. “He’s alive… my brother is alive,” he whispers. The statement shudders through him, a realisation that Ace has accepted the poster as truth.

The crewmate is shooed off by a man with pineapple hair. Marco sits beside Ace, takes Luffy’s poster gently from his hands. The crowd of pirates disperse, leaving the two in relative peace. Ace stares at his empty hands, mind still whirling from the news, trying to comprehend it all.

“Hey, Marco…” Ace starts, grabbing the phoenix’s attention. He points to the poster, “Do you know what this means?”

Marco hums, “ _ Only Alive,  _ I can count the times I’ve seen it on one hand. Though… your brother could be wanted  _ personally  _ by someone with heaps of power. For a starter bounty, it should be impossible.”

“Someone with power like… nobles?”

“Likely,” Marco offers with a pat on Ace’s shoulder before dropping the poster back in his hands. Ace watches him go, more lost than before.  _ Could a noble be after Luffy? _


	5. Midnight: Glacies

Luffy’s stomach drops with the ship. Robin’s aura flickers in and out of his sight near Brook and three others. Laboon doesn’t await them at the end of the ride down. Instead, the large whale floats pleasantly near the old man’s house. Brook waves to them from the edge of the cliff, Robin, Princess Vivi, the owner of the house, and an orange-haired guy Luffy has no hope of remembering. His Haki trembles.

Robin... Robin with the Hana Hana no Mi, the flower fruit, the fruit with amazing spying capabilities; and Robin herself, ridiculously, scarily intelligent. Luffy should not have to fear her. But he does, because his secret stands little chance against her.

Maybe it will be easier for him to just…  _ tell her. _

“ROBIN-SWAN!!!” Sanji yells, torso leaning over the railing in a fruitless effort to reach her.

They land. They hug. They cry.

Brook sheds his innumerable tears shamelessly—though how he can cry will forever remain a mystery—and Robin cries without a sound, little tears pooling at her eyes and going no further. She and Nami embrace as Brook and Usopp celebrate their reunion with arms around each others’ shoulders and kicking their legs up to rejoice. Sanji hovers by Robin, pointing his heart-eyes at her as he proclaims her unmatched beauty. Zoro joins in too, not as physically close as Brook and Usopp, but still with a giant teeth-baring smile plastered on his face.

Luffy heads to Robin first as she and Nami pull apart, determined to get the most difficult part out of the way—and begging internally for these shows of affection to stop, despite how much the others  _ need  _ the contact, and how Luffy himself craves it too.

“Captain,” Robin greets pleasantly, and they meet in the middle, hands wrapped around each other. Luffy hides his face in her neck, heart racing, light and heavy, at the joy of seeing Robin and the fear of it, a contradictory battle that Luffy stands no hope in winning. He breathes in the calming aroma of flowers, thinks,  _ Robin and Brook, Robin and Brook, my crew is closer to being back together.  _ Luffy clings to that reckless hope of happiness, focuses all of his will into it as Robin’s hand clutch tightly around his back. “I’m glad to see you.”

Luffy pulls away, returning quietly, “You too.” He catches Brook’s wave to him and waves back, letting the men enjoy their dance. “I missed you so much,” Luffy adds on, letting the truth of his words fill him to bursting. The sun shines too bright, the grass too loud in the wind and against his feet. The moment feels too surreal, when Robin rests her gaze on him a moment longer, and a wariness enters her eyes as she turns to Nami hastily. Luffy can’t expect any less from her sharp mind, and the curiosity in her gaze will forever stain his mind. There is no room for openness. He needs to protect his secret.

Three people invested in finding out: the latest, Robin, who will no doubt be discrete with her investigation; Zoro, whom Luffy never ceases to reject; Sanji, the least forward, the one who acknowledges Luffy’s personal space but doesn’t stop that from helping him in other ways. The pressure to hide his secret—pressure he himself has placed, unnecessarily, and now regrets—is growing strong, almost impossible to hold up. Someone has to know soon, he has to tell someone before his mind cracks. His back tingles uncomfortably.

For the rest of the day, Luffy keeps his distance from the crew, accepting a smoothie offered by Sanji—greatly appreciated, and Luffy savours the sweet drink for hours with short, slow sips—and resting against the mast whilst the others dine in luxury and talk without rest. Vivi and her companion contribute greatly to the conversations, the former more so. He ignores the concerned glances thrown at him regularly, and instead decides,  _ this is fine. _

The sun finally sets, and the crew say their goodbyes to Laboon. Luffy and Zoro stay out as the others turn in for the night and the Going Merry is on course for Drum Island. Robin and Nami are engaged in light conversation with Vivi. Luffy can see the bond already forming between the three. Usopp loudly bids them goodnight, whilst Sanji follows the sniper with a last long gaze at Luffy.

When Luffy and Zoro are left to bathe in silence and moonlight, the exhaustion of the day increases its hold. Luffy lets down his guard, free from the watchful gazes of his crew. By now, he is well-used to Zoro’s constant presence. He feels sleep drag at his bones, eyes drooping closed despite his best efforts to remain wide awake.

Luffy startles at the hand pushing his head down onto a broad shoulder. Zoro cuts off any attempt from Luffy to get back up, shushing him and pushing him down again. Luffy accedes, basking in the warmth of the swordsman, leaking through his frail body and heating up the ice around his heart. Sleep feels too inviting to ignore, but alarm bells continue their incessant ringing through his head. Luffy battles against that voice of nightmares and distant emotion. He beats back words of  _ Zoro will see  _ and  _ you can’t let yourself be open to attack  _ with  _ Zoro is my nakama, and it is nothing he hasn’t seen already. _

“Goodnight, Luffy, rest well,” is the last thing he hears before he at last gives into the temptation of sleep.

* * *

Blood covers the floor in a sea of crimson and ichor. Luffy’s breathing accelerates, heart thumping as he whirls around in fright, searching for an exit. He finds nothing, just an empty arena and Luffy at the centre, stuck knee-deep in the blood, thinking it is not unlike quicksand.  _ A descent into madness and retribution. _

Vermillion petunias blossom from the sea of blood and wilt in an instant, the dark crowding closer, the blood drowning out of view. Luffy wheezes as he loses sight. Which way is up? Which way is down?

Liquid trickles down his arms and legs, down his neck and cheeks. A thick liquid, that cannot be mistaken as anything but blood. The blood drains into the floor again, an endless cycle of up and down. Luffy cannot keep track, and as the blood continues to flow, the liquid feeling on his becomes constant and itchy. He lifts his arms to scratch but finds no purchase, like his body has become transparent, empty.

A world of dark, a world of nothing, save the blood on his limbs. And then a voice, deep and smooth, wise and worried.

“Luffy?” Robin calls out, uncertain, though her voice is strong and steady, ever the calm presence in the midst of turmoil. It comes from all sides, and Luffy’s drowned senses find it impossible to pinpoint her location.

“Where are you?” Luffy shouts, desperate, and his thoughts race as swift as the blood.  _ Robin? Robin’s here? Can she see me?  _ Oh, the blood, yes, the blood. If Robin is here, then she can certainly smell the putrid iron of the blood, can tell its source, can tell it comes from Luffy; Luffy, the slaughterer, Demon Fist, merciless in the eyes of all others, where Luffy can only see his hope of mercy for those he slayed. He does not want Robin to find him.

“Stay away!” he warns, demands, and his voice bounces off the walls circling the arena in which they sink. Her calls for him remain persistent, and his name echoes in his ears, clanging and deafening.

Piercing gray-green eyes emerge from the gloom, laying bare his sins. Luffy staggers back, blood splashing up with his steps and catching into his clothes. He whimpers as the eyes stray closer to him, seeming to float by themselves and belong to no human, though those eyes can belong to none other than Robin.

“Luffy? What have you done?”

Luffy jumps into the waking world, thrusting himself from Zoro and landing hard on the deck of the Merry. Pain reverberates in his shoulder at the harsh fall, and he struggles to take in oxygen.

“Luffy—”

“Don’t,” he warns, lifting himself on unsteady feet. Sweat coats his brows and drips from his chin. The chilly night wind blows against the moisture and sends Luffy into aching shivers. He heaves for air, drawing it in big gulps, staring intently at Zoro standing across from him. Even in the dark, Luffy can see—or sense—Zoro’s agitation in his poised stance; ready to come to his aid.

Luffy staggers away from him, heading for the Merry’s head. Finally perched atop it, Luffy closes his eyes against the icy breeze. He wraps himself in a hug, clutching painfully at his arms, nails digging in for purchase, breaking a layer of skin.

For one whole week, his hammock has been empty. On the days he could do nothing against the tide of sleep, Luffy slept against the railing of the Merry, battling the cold and night terrors. The others must have noticed his absence from the men’s quarters—there’s no way they couldn’t have—but Luffy can’t find it in himself to care. Let them see, let them judge. But please,  _ please,  _ don’t ask. The exhaustion still drags at him, physically, emotionally. His system is near empty.

_ You promised me I wouldn’t have to do that again,  _ the crooning voice whispers. Luffy stiffens, searching for the source of the voice. But Zoro is nowhere to be seen and it certainly isn’t  _ that  _ voice. Luffy hides his face in his arms, agonising in the dark and cold of the night.

* * *

Drum island is colder than Luffy recalls, ice and snow biting deep into his bones and stiffening his limbs. The crew arrived without encountering the so-called ruler or king of Drum Island; Luffy suspects it to be Chopper’s doing. They have a far better climb to the top of the mountain where Chopper and his doctor mentor resides: no avalanches, no frostbite, no carrying members up a steep mountain, which Luffy is ridiculously glad for. They had little trouble upon entry to Drum Island, choosing instead to disembark at an unpopulated location to avoid scaring the general populace into a violent defence.

And Chopper had waited for them at the front of the castle, waving his hooves, tears freezing into icicles under his eyes. Once more, the crew—still without a name to be publicly known by, but forever remaining the Straw Hat Pirates within their hearts and souls—gives Chopper a warm welcome to the crew, and they say their swift goodbyes to Chopper’s mentor before retreating to the small stretch of snowy coast the Going Merry is docked.

Luffy and Zoro take a separate route, intent on exploring the island further, whilst Sanji and Usopp go to the village to restock. Wandering the vast white expanse of Drum Island alone with Zoro is both a comfort and a hindrance. Alone, Luffy trusts no one more than he trusts Zoro. It is an escape from Chopper’s arrival, his doctor’s eyes and expertise that will no doubt see through the cracking visage of good health Luffy presents to his crew. But alone, there is the opportunity to talk, and Luffy cannot handle the tension between him and Zoro, permeating the air like an unpleasant, slow-acting poison that refuses to disperse due to Luffy’s unwillingness to accept help, to even speak his troubles for Zoro’s ready ears. So he pulls ahead with a softly whispered promise to meet up soon, when the sun reaches its highest peak, and hastens his pace to increase their distance.

Soon enough, Luffy comes across a dilapidated structure at the bowl of a valley. The cabin must be abandoned. From the exterior, the wooden walls of the cabin are peeling and poorly kept, looking like a little kid could knock it down with a single tap. A mound of snow has crashed against the door, breaking it open in the process. Luffy won’t be surprised to find rusty hinges and snow seeping into the floorboards.

He steps over the snow, sighing in relief at the absence of harsh wind. It isn’t exactly warm inside—there hasn’t been anyone inside recently to heat the place with a fire, perhaps for years—but the creaking walls do enough to stand against the wind. He enters the living room, a fireplace stocked with firewood and a tattered couch along the wall.

Luffy crouches down to rub at his sore arms and retain his limited warmth, His coat isn’t enough for the snow; he should’ve taken another. He isn’t confident enough to dry his soaking coat and shirt—courtesy of his tumble in an avalanche—with his fruit without setting them alight. Luffy shrugs out of his coat and pulls the sleeves of his shirt off, tugging it the rest of the way over his head. He wrings it out as much as possible, drops of water pattering on the wood. Luffy has decent enough control in his hands to heat up the clothes, slowly drying it out. His bare back aches from the cold.

As he works, the wind whistles through the cabin, swinging the door to the wall and bouncing back off with an echoing crack. More snow ploughs onto the floor at the entrance with a soft splosh.

Another wave of cold attacks him. He hastens the drying, putting more heat into the clothes and, deeming it decently dried—and toasty warm from the electricity—he shakes them out to wear again.

Footsteps reverberate through the floor as Luffy shoves his arms into the shirt, searching shakily for the sleeves. There’s a harsh intake of air, and Luffy spins around to face the newcomer.

Zoro stares in horror, hand raised mid-greeting. His eyes are wide, jaw slack, pain replacing the initial horror. Luffy’s stomach sinks.

The cold… it must have dulled his senses and affected his Haki, not to mention being so utterly focused on drying his clothes. Zoro had passed through his defences like a silent wraith.  _ Unacceptable. No good, even if it is Zoro, to miss someone within your range,  _ again  _ and  _ again. Zoro’s appearance is a death omen, to Luffy; he’s kept his back hidden for so long! Why now? Why now when Luffy is already quaking and vulnerable from the cold?

“Luffy?” Zoro says softly, shattering the frozen silence. Luffy throws on his shirt, trying to stall for time, anything to delay this dreaded conversation. “Wait…” Zoro orders, hand on Luffy’s shoulder. Luffy sinks in defeat, arms limp in his lap.

“It’s—Zoro, I’m—” he tries, though he makes no attempt to resist as Zoro gingerly raises the fabric on his back. Despair runs through him alongside Zoro’s feelings of grief and guilt he senses using Haki.  _ Nothing good will come of this…  _ Is Zoro mad at him?

“I’m sorry… I should have told you.” The apology escapes him as quiet and weak as a sigh. Zoro tightens his grip.

“Don’t.”

Luffy hisses and hides his face behind his arms. They grip at his hair, tugging painfully at the locks, pain chasing away the cold.

“Np. I should,” Luffy says, shaking his head and willing the tears away. “You could see that it was hurting me and I kept rejecting your help and I kept pushing you away and I said cruel things,” he shudders a breath. “I’m sorry!” Luffy rips Zoro’s hand off and tumbles into the swordsman’s embrace. Arms wrap tentatively around him, encircling his back but never pressing on his scars.  _ Is this another thing you noticed?  _ The choking hands always around his neck loosen their hold. Luffy finds his voice.

“I felt so  _ alone!  _ Like when Ace died, when I thought Sabo died… It was a cage—literally a collar—and there was no one I could trust. Even now—even now, when we’re finally getting back together, I felt… far away. I—” Luffy shakes his head again, the hands returning. He can’t continue. The dam has broken, the water flowing through the large cracks but… there’s another wall, one he can’t break, can’t even see.

“Luffy. We’ll get through this together. You aren’t alone,” Zoro says into his hair. Luffy hums, weary. How could so much have happened already? This timeline was supposed to be different; a better different.

“Don’t tell the others,” he demands. Zoro tenses, muscles seizing around Luffy. “Not yet, at least,” he acquiesces.

“Fine, captain.”

Luffy smiles against Zoro’s chest.  _ I’m not ready to tell them. Already, Zoro knowing is too much. Will I ever be ready?  _ Maybe one day, soon, when he reaches that second wall and strikes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	6. Pain: Dolore

Their first meal after departing from Drum Island is a bright affair. Nine Straw Hats and two guests—Vivi and Mr. 9—gathered around the table in the Merry’s galley. His crew is almost complete. And with its almost completion comes a few scrutinising glances at Luffy, a few pairs of eyes always looking to him with concern and curiosity. Their gazes are expertly concealed by laughter and jokes and smiles, cheer rife around the table.

Usopp leads the conversation in an exaggerated manner, telling their supposedly legendary battles on Cocoyashi against Arlong’s very bad, very strong subordinates. The tale doesn’t do enough to disguise their concern for Luffy from him, a concern he has become desensitised to with every meal they met together for.

Today, Sanji has made a large smoothie for him, smelling of bananas and other fruits he can’t make out, the flavour sweet and alive. Sanji promised potatoes and meat for dinner. Luffy is surprised to find himself anticipating it. He receives delight with every slow, careful sip of his lunch through a bright blue, swirly straw.

Robin quickly refrains from watching Luffy when he adopts a genuine smile towards Usopp, Brook and Chopper’s excitement. Chopper himself is split between his immersement to Usopp’s story and taking not-so-subtle glances at Luffy.

Sanji isn’t badgering the ladies with incessant compliments of their beauty, rather he eats his lunch, a proud smile on his face, eyes soft and proud, seeing Luffy sip his smoothie without hesitation. Luffy hopes Sanji took their conversation to heart, he deserves this pride, and Luffy is immensely grateful.

Following the meal, Sanji and Usopp stacking the innumerable plates and heaving them into the kitchen, Chopper takes Luffy’s hand and drags him aside. Chopper’s eyes flicker with unease as he stops them at the railing by the cabin and runs a cursory glance over Luffy. Luffy gently removes Chopper’s hoof from his hand and pats his red top hat. “I know you have reason to be worried.” Chopper nods his head furiously.

“Luffy, this isn’t heal—”

“Sanji has it handled, you must have noticed. And you know how he is. I’ll be better in no time,” Luffy assures the reindeer, and heaves a relieved sigh as Chopper relaxes his shoulders.

Nami’s happy giggles carry over the Merry to their ears. She chats idly with Vivi, both carrying weapons, and Luffy is reminded of the training session he promised Nami. He shakes his head at Chopper, intent to leave, but Chopper grabs him with uncharacteristic urgency.

“You’re right. Sanji is helping. And you will recover. But, Luffy, recovery isn’t as linear as you make it out to be!” Chopper rambles, wearing a deathly serious gaze, eyes burning a hole in Luffy’s chest.

He gives a final nod. Says, “It’s a good thing I have you, then,” and leaves Chopper behind, dumbstruck, and strolls over to Nami and Vivi. Of course recovery isn’t as straightforward as Luffy likes to pretend, but that isn’t any reason to lose hope, is it?

Vivi greets him as he reaches her, a warm but hesitant smile scrunched on her. As he had expected, Nami and Vivi had taken to be quick friends like before, not spending a moment of their day apart—usually accompanied by Robin, when she is not reading with Chopper—and Vivi's companion is long forgotten, relaxing by Brook’s side. Nami has a similar countenance, worry for Luffy still clear on her mind from the wary look she sends him, but doing her best to ignore it in favour of focusing on teaching Vivi.

Luffy observes their slow sparring, Nami repeating motions and giving pointers in a matter efficient enough for Vivi to pick up on quite easily. Nami clashes her staff down to the right, and Vivi responds in kind, meeting the staff with her own and pushing it away. Nami reapers the movement and adds a spin, staff targeting Vivi’s open shoulder. Vivi reacts quickly, her weapon brought up to block the attack and parry it away.

The sequences become more complex, utilising similar movement but in different speeds and orders. The attacks land without pause, and soon enough, Vivi is panting and sweating at her brows. Nami remains unaffected, a testament to her prowess she’d only improved in recent years.

“Great job, Vivi!” Nami commends.

‘You’re a great teacher,” returns Vivi, cheeks blushing from the compliment. She brushes her blue hair behind her ears and tucks away her weapon. “Thank you for watching, Luffy-san. Nami.” Vivi leaves the harsh rays of the sun to head to the bathroom.

Nami claps her hands together, staff squashed under her arm. “Shall we begin?” she asks, extracting a cloth from her shorts and trying it around her eyes. Nami has already unlocked her Observation Haki, but she had begged Luffy to assist her in strengthening it, to which Luffy had no objections. The training is a peaceful distraction from the other Straw Hats, and gives him something to focus on; in this instance, Nami.

They follow a similar pattern to what Nami performed with Vivi, though more complex, adding moves difficult to dodge and block, and Luffy makes it arduous by masking more of his thoughts as time goes on, so Nami struggles to predict his next move. The sun is crawling towards the horizon as Luffy drops his arms to his sides and steps back. Nami removes her blindfold, cloth falling from her eyes in slow motion, face caked in sweat, and Sanji calls out, “ Dinner ready in half an hour.”

Nami rushes off, presumably to clean up, and Luffy is left to stand alone on the deck, waves rumbling in his ears. To Luffy, little time has passed since lunch, since his smoothie which he can still taste, the unmistakable tinge of strawberry masking his tongue. His stomach does not rumble, but Luffy from the past  _ never  _ let an opportunity to eat run away from him, whether full to bursting or painfully starving, and he joins the others in the galley with great reluctance.

The table is occupied, Nami last to arrive, and mountains of food—not too high—are stacked across the table, being heaped onto plates by hungry hands.

Sanji pats the chair next to the head of the table, and Luffy gratefully sins into it. A dish of meat and potatoes is placed in front of him. Sanji is last to sit, beside Luffy, Usopp on his other side, sitting at the head of the table.

His dish seems abnormally large, stomach already swelling, and Luffy doubts he has room to spare. But Sanji is looking at him through the corner of his eye, so Luffy takes a small, cautious bite of a potato wedge, savouring the flavour in his mouth, letting it slowly melt. His swallow is rewarded with a bloated feeling and Luffy stares absently at his food.  _ I don’t think I can stomach it;  _ the truth.  _ It tastes so good;  _ also the truth.

Sanji poured his love into this dish, his love for Luffy. It hurts so much to do the one thing Sanji hates most: leave a meal unfinished. But today is no longer a good day, and the potato seems to crawl back up his throat. His chest tightens, ceasing his breath.

All conversation screeches to a halt as Luffy abruptly rises from his seat and walks swiftly from the galley at a pace he hopes isn’t too fast. He makes for the railing, but the nausea he felt doesn’t seem as real, the fresh salty air unlocking his chest. He breathes in deeply, trying to unclog his throat and negate the panic. Dark water swirls beneath him, indiscernible in the night.

Eating hadn’t been so hard yesterday; he had eaten three meals, two of which were solid. Today, only two. Luffy shouldn’t be so judgemental towards himself. He knows it can’t be easy,  _ he knows,  _ but he didn’t ask for this, didn’t ask to be starved of enough food for years, and then neglect himself further despite Rayleigh and Shakki’s desperate efforts to help him. He misses his rubber fruit and its absence of these problems, when being a bottomless pit had never been painful.

“I’m sorry,” Luffy’s voice cracks. Sanji stands at his shoulder. There is no anger or disappointment coming from his aura, just acceptance.

“It’s fine, Luffy. I understand.”

“You do,” Luffy acknowledges, as his guilt grows and eats at his lungs like a parasite. “That doesn’t stop me from being sorry.” Luffy ignores the tears dripping down his cheeks and his struggling breaths, Sanji’s gasp of surprise. He offers no resistance against Sanji, who pulls him back into his chest, chin resting in his hair. He allows himself this comfort, just this.

It’s pleasant, Luffy decides.

* * *

The security that Sanji’s embrace brought him lingers through to the following morning, heightened as Sanji sits with him during breakfast, just the two of them in the galley, before anyone has a chance to wake up and come to interrupt the peace. Luffy can take his time and allow Sanji’s gentle hand holding his own ground him, and his quiet, nonsensical chatter distract him from the nuances of food.

Sanji makes no comment on the exhausted bags beneath his eyes and his sluggish movements—another night spent on guard duty, only a few brief naps to carry him through—and gives him a disappointed glance.

Luffy is already out on the deck upon Merry’s head when Zoro awakens and heads for the galley. The ladies are next, and soon enough, the sound of a bubbly breakfast reaches him. The door to the galley is open, the sounds from inside louder, easier for Luffy to identify. Nami voices her annoyance at someone stealing from her plate—Usopp, though Luffy can’t recall Usopp ever being the type to steal from anyone’s pate, and grimaces when he understands  _ why  _ exactly, Usopp has only started this behaviour  _ now. _

Less than three hours ago, Zoro had commented on their close proximity to Alabasta. Luffy himself can’t sense the auras along Alabasta’s coast, too occupied by his unsuccessful evening to have the will for Haki. Now, as the coast comes into view from Luffy’s perch, these auras flicker in and out of his sight.

One bright light towers over the rest. Luffy shivers in anticipation as that aura becomes clearer and clearer, his Haki no longer impeded. He’d never had a chance to feel the person’s aura before; it had been too late by then, and Luffy had still been so incredibly weak, Haki-less, naive, a total failure of a captain and a brother. Luffy can finally feel the fire and the will and the cheer of his precious person, and he never wants to let go.

“Luffy? We’re preparing to land,” Nami prompts, staying silent until Luffy acknowledges her words. “I had some better clothes for the climate prepared for you, but that was before we met up, and…”  _ they’re too big,  _ remains unsaid. Luffy hears it loudly regardless. He sighs and drops to the deck patting Nami’s arm in gratitude.

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it,” Luffy reassures her, and pushes past to head to the galley, where Sanji waits in front, gripping a jug of water. Luffy thanks whatever god is up there silently; who knows what clothes Nami was speaking of? He takes the proffered drink and chugs down as much as he can. Already, the sun bears down on him with unforgiving heat, Luffy’s throat archer.

Alabasta grows larger by the second. He at once feels his heart pump an unsteady beat in his chest when he realises just how close they are to the port.

Will Smoker be there, or are they too early? And Ace. Where is he? Luffy feels drawn to the restaurant he saw him at last time, and makes a double take, confused and thinking over his questions again. Smoker, likely not in Alabasta yet, despite being propelled on his course by Luffy’s appearance in Loguetown and their resulting, very swift clash. Ace is already here and waiting, aura turning its sights upon Luffy and rearing in glee.

Is this an effect of their time travel, like every other detail of the East Blue leg of their journey that has been unintentionally altered? Luffy fears the future will change so much it will become unrecognisable. How can they fix what they haven’t the hindsight of? At least, Luffy hopes,  _ begs,  _ that Blackbeard will be at Sky Island when they are, and that Luffy can avoid the War of the Best altogether. Whitebeard, alive.  _ Ace, alive! _ One can only dream.

* * *

“They did things to me that I—” Luffy chokes off, phantom pains running along the span of his back. Ace watches him, eyes unblinking and cold and the furthest thing from fire Luffy would have expected from him. But the stare nonetheless urges him onward, pressing up the image of the cruel whip-bearing people shouting obscenities and slander. Luffy’s voice drops to a whisper, and rises again all too quickly, “I was so…  _ scared. _ I was alone and I just  _ can’t!  _ I can’t do this! I’m sorry, Ace.”

“It’s okay, Luffy.” Ace’s arms come around him, and unlike Zoro, unlike the others of his crew who have come to realise that touching Luffy’s back is absolutely forbidden, Ace’s arms curl on his skin without a care, the only thought between the two to be  _ close.  _ Luffy’s back  _ burns,  _ and the familiar panic begins to rise, shame and a wretched feeling creeping from his scarred skin. But he pushes through it, allows Ace this moment, allows  _ himself  _ this moment, because it has been too long since they last saw, and he can never consider the short, almost non-existent flash he saw of Ace upon restarting in this time  _ enough,  _ and the time before that Ace had been  _ dead. Dead! _

“I’m here, now,”— _ you died _ , Luffy thinks, though keeps the words tightly locked up—“I’m here now, and you can tell me everything.” Ace’s voice is thick. Through the haze of pain and guilt and ruin, Luffy feels the moisture flooding his shirt, and Ace is  _ crying,  _ over his  _ shoulder,  _ just like  _ before,  _ and if his own running thoughts hadn’t been enough to relieve his last moments with Ace, this certainly is.

Luffy’s eyes flood with tears. He heaves with every breath, choking on snot and dripping tears and screaming in his mind that  _ Ace is in danger.  _ But he is  _ not  _ in danger, and that tumultuous moment is far in the past now and Luffy need not worry any longer.

“They branded my back and threw me in the pits…” Luffy breathes, rubbing his face against the bare collar of Ace. “Ace—Ace I killed people! I killed people!” he confesses at last, and the weight far heavier than any amount of seastone is lifted. Dread replaces the burden, at Ace’s reaction. Luffy is a  _ monster. _

“Luffy… Luffy…” Ace soothes, hand travelling across his back, flames curling in its wake. “Luffy… I don’t care.”

Luffy raises his head, disbelief clogging his throat. “What… What do you mean,  _ you don’t care?” _

“It’s not like that!” Ace rushes, arms waving in a placating manner. “You’re my little brother, you did what you had to, to survive. And if that means killing others so be it! You are the only thing that matters to me.”

“Seriously?” Luffy chuckles, “And Sabo? What of him?” But Ace has no way of knowing that Sabo is alive and well in the revolutionary army. The thought of Ace not knowing—and having never found out, last time—floods Luffy with grief and sympathy.

“Sabo is dead.” Ace shakes his head slowly, looking dazed. “The only thing that matters is the present,” he declares.  _ I have lived the past, present and future and past and present and will continue to do so,  _ Luffy thinks harshly. But Ace can never find out, because Robin had warned them all that more things could happen than the small changes they have encountered already, and Luffy can never risk the consequences.

He can, however, do something about Blackbeard. And he plans on dealing with the bastard as soon as Crocodile has been defeated and Alabasta has been liberated.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it XD  
> I've had this floating in my google drive for months and I finally decided to work on it again.  
> Also, heads up, I have no uploading schedule, so it may be tomorrow, next week or next month when the next chapter is written.  
> I was thinking of doing Zoro/Luffy,,, MAYBE, only if they write themselves that way. They'll definitely be close, but that can be read as either romantic or platonic, i don't mind either way. If you have a suggestion for pairings or the fic in general, plzplzplz comment them!


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